Let's talk

Ok, so I sometimes just look at facebook profiles of random strangers that get recommended to me. I used to have this facebook that I made that have 0 friends. I talk to no one, it's just there to follow Mark Zukerburg and also so that facebook stops asking me to login everytime I want to see any videos on facebook or something like that.  I used to follow some Nepali influencers so it knows the people and recommends me Nepalese people. Very often, these people that get recommended to me not all west washed people but from the looks of it, maybe are middle-class? or lower middle class? Idk. I don't want to put labels like that but I think it's necessary for the context. Usually, all married men and women, who have kids. Sometimes, it's just random teens or people in their twenties.  But, I think I want to talk about the married ones. Like there's always a picture of their kids, and the two couples. Most of these people don't really care about the looks. So, usua...

This is probably the coolest thing I've seen in a while.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1R5k5QWPsY

"Capitalism / Advertisements know what we need. It just refuses to sell it to us. It clicks onto our genuine needs and it connects these to variety of goods. And then we end up with consumer goods but not the thing that we needed. We are constantly made to buy things we don't really need. We are encouraged to forget the things that we really need and the way in which we solve the things that we don't need is through skillful dangling in front of us of our genuine needs which are not for sale." - Alan De Botton. 

 Ok. This is the best day of my life. Kinda. Best night? Idk. I feel like a huge burden has come off me. I feel like I did my best to let my friend know her position in my life and I think I've moved on. I feel like I've just put the final piece of puzzle onto the board and it's a beautiful scene.  I think this would describe it the best. I am super excited. This is so so so so so good. Like yes!! Idk haha too excited? I guess that's it.  This feels peaceful, calm. It's like I'm in a zen garden. I am super thankful for everyone in my life who have listened to me rant. Super grateful to have family and friends. And super grateful that I was with someone form whom I got to learn so much.  I definitely will try to be more listening, and you know not be distant? I don't think I was. We were just busy but if she felt that way I probably was. We don't always see our fault or how we make others feel because we know what we feel and what the intent was but the o...

Haha it's so funny, actually. I just saw the invoice for my therapy session and saw it was February 14. Lmao, funny times. Anyways, let's try this thing again. I don't know why I want to go to therapy but I do want to be whole and I don't want the breakup to mess up my mind.  Anyways, I have an exam tomorrow and I need to study. K bye! Will update after the session it's after 3 days. 

Ok. First of all. I love the weather today. Also, I love big monitors.  Let me describe the weather to you first. I think let me describe myself and how I feel because I think that's important to understand the weather first. Lol look at me trying to preach inner peace and look at me again noticing that and writing it here.  Anyways, Mr Jadoo (who is a cute little pug) is sitting besides me looking directly to my eyes. I wonder what he is thinking right now. He just saw me type and the sound that came from the keyboard so he switched his glance to the keyboard. Now, he is back at looking at me again. Lol. I wish I could understand this little guy. But, he definately has been a source of comfort these days. I wonder if I have been able to make him feel the same way. I wish I could. I play with him time to time. Ok, now he wants something from me. He usually sits right infront of me when he wants something.  Ok, looks like he wanted to go out. So, we both walked around the ...

 So, I messaged her on Instagram. Even at this point I was not sure what I wanted. I knew for a fact that I didn't want to burn bridges with her. She's an awesome person and there's no reason for me to just not see her as a friend. I didn't know what I wanted.  Again, as we are being honest, I thought we could start by being friends and I used to think maybe things can work out between us. It's just been 4 months that we are apart. There's no reason we can't work this out if both of us wanted to. Now the thing to emphasize here is "if both of us wanted to". But this process would've need to be very slow. Like basically we start from being friends and talk to each other, be really honest. Our expectations in the future, what we would do and all those stuff. We would find all of it out. It'd be like a board meeting lol  But anyways, while I was talking to her I found out that she was getting married. In June. But, now this is the funny part. ...

 Ok. You just found out that the person that you were in love with for almost 2 years is getting married. What do you do? What is the right reaction?  What's the right feeling? What do you say to them? What should you not say to them? If you are wondering about all these things.  Welcome to The Tailor. You've come to the right place. Here we help people figure out answers to all these things. The only catch? You have to be willing to read. Read below, and gain answers to all these questions as our writer, the handsome charming man, tries to answer them. Sit tight. Lay back. And Most importantly send us your body measurements because we will soon be suitting you up.  Ok. This all started when I started talking with a friend of mine. I was in a pretty bad stage of my life. I was 18, and I was just diagnosed with "stupid teenage breakup .... I can't live without her" fever. No, I didn't just make that up. And Yes, that's a real disease. It was the time I was ...

Once one begins to look into themselves, it's can be pretty overwhelming? I don't know if that's the word but you find out things that you never thought about before. I am pretty sure a lot of us are fucked up. If not all. It's just some choose to share them and are open about it and some are not. Often, not expressing sides of ourselves is seen as a strong trait. Like look this person has all figured out and has a happy fucking life compared to someone who might be in the same posisition but you know a lot about them, how they feel, their insecurities and stuff like that. And I am guilty of this myself. Maybe other people don't feel that way but I have realized that I had seen people who I don't really know a lot about as strong because I only had seen the good part. While the person with the same level of achievement and even better I guess I thought that they should just stop being a crybaby.  I obviously don't feel the same now. I think being really open...

 The more I think about stuff, the confusing it gets, and the more I feel like I don't understand it. How do you know you understand something? Well, one could say you can explain something properly to the other person but aren't we all just listening to other people and explaining those things in terms of what we have faced so far and understood from that other person.  Also, again I think I touched upon it a little bit in previous blog I think but why is there a need to understand something. probably because it doesn't make us feel comfortable. I don't think we would really try to question or understand something if it was giving us immense joy or you know you were just fully happy or something like that. Because I didn't. And now I am questioning love and relationships and trust and coming back to human life itself. Wtf is purpose of living? I never found myself dwelling on this question in the past months when I was somewhat in cloud 9.  Don't get me wrong I...

 Writing is downloading contents of our own mind. Awsome!  I've wondered how thoughts come to us. Especially while writring because I literally have no idea what I am going to write until I do. It's like maybe there is something already written inside us and I am just accessing but how could that be. Wait I am making no sense right now, The fingers move, the mind thinks. But where the fuck are these thoughts coming from. I know brain. But, come on, and why am i questioning the thoughts, through another though, now I have to question the thought about thought. I know .. I sound like a 12 year old But please excuse me for a while. The answer is probably wayy to simple and I am just beating around the bush try to sound like I am thinking about something really interesting. But really, this bothers me sometimes.  Can there be a state where are are no thoughts while you are conscious? I don't think I remember any such moments. Why is there a need for thoughts? I am pretty sure...

"Men were conditioned to not show emotions so that they could hunt, fight, kill people to gather resources. Their tears were dried out and love was blocked ... otherwise, they won't be able to able to kill, and murder and massacre people. They were people who are just like you and have not done anything wrong. People's whose wives, children and grandparents had been waiting for them. But to create the soldier, men had to be destroyed completely and made into emotionless killing machines. And warriors don't cry. They are not touched by emotions. Because army were needed, men were gathered and as women were not strong as men, they were left behind. It was good for women, because they have remained more natural. Never be ashamed of your tears, be proud that you are still natural. Be proud that you can express, the inexpressible through your tears. Those tears are your songs, unuttered. Those tears are your heart, which cannot use words. Never feel ashamed of your tears....

Hi.  I never thought I would listen to Taylor Swift to heal myself. It's ironic because I listen to it because of my ex, and am I listening to forget about her. All to well, doesn't even resemble anything we had but its soothing somehow. I guess, it's the thought of moving on, which is powerful about this song.  I now only need to get a cup of ice cream and cry, and I think I'll become one of those teenage girls that you see in the movies. I have realized that it's more difficult to move on if the other person was not too bad, you know? I can't even hate her, like Taylor. I can't even say it was bad, and stuff you know? Because it wasn't.  I don't know what to write man, but I want to. It's midnight and I just listened to paper rings which she used to dedicate me and now I am listening to all too well. When all is not too well. I remember it all too well too but you know, it was good. How can I hate good memories. Anyways, is this too cringy? lol...

 These days I was thinking, how I haven't found anyone to deeply connect with in a while, but I am glad I avoided people instead of just hanging out with them for the sake of having friends. I had this confusion if I should make more meaningless friends or just wait until I truly find someone I click with. I think I did the right thing by not wasting my time around people who I don't vibe with or I know that they don't have the best interest for me at the heart.  So often people complain about how they feel unwanted in their friend group but still choose to associate with the people. Yeah, let's not do that. Now, that I think of it, it was wayyy more productive and good for me to just learn new stuff and do programming projects instead of chasing that. As I reflect, that has given me more confidence and will be helping me in the long run than the meaningless parties and alcohol and weed.  Social media or movies makes us feel like the only way to have fun is by doing all...

Listen, I wanted to tell you something This time, I won't lie to you and say that I love you a lot See, love is not as easy as it appears on love letters But looking deep into your eyes, I'll admit that I keep thinking of a lot of ways to get closer to you But I don't want any promises of love I'd be happy if I could just kiss your rosy lips.  I would go anywhere you take me I'd listen to any voice that I knew were yours You don't need to love someone to have a good time  Please don't think about getting our hearts together I keep thinking of a lot of ways to get closer to you But, I don't want any promises of love I'd be happy if I could just kiss your rosy lips.  My heart is like the ever changing weather  Don't ask me  My heart doesn't stop around, it always fades away Looks like the way I feel is different from how you feel  Looks like my wishes will never reach yours I keep thinking of a lot of ways to get closer to you But, I don't ...

 Yeah as the title says, I've never really been an insecure person. But, few weeks ago I didn't attend an event because I thought I was too fucking fat and ugly. What? Where did that come from. As I am trying to work to get healthy, I am now having these thoughts.  I don't know man, it''s wild wild country. I guess everyone is insecure about some things to some level but I just realized that the reason why I didn't go was because I was insecure of my weight lol. And me, as I always say.. fuck what others say, but when it hurts, you really can't fuck em' I think.  It's just that's crazy. And you if are here reading this and saying to yourself that I am bitching ...fuck you! Fuck you 100 times honestly. I still don't care, but now it's hard to think about stuff. Is this what overthinking feels like? It sucks! Like there are so many things that I want to say but I can't really even say them in my own blogs because they are utterly stupid...

Thanks to my ADHD I hadn't completed what I started writing in one of my blogs. I thought I was just rambling lol. Its crazy how writing lets you see for yourself the thoughts you were having. It's like leaving small pieces of "you" in the internet. My past self doesn't exist anywhere else but here, through these words. Me, in those exact seconds, exists in these words which is so fucking cool to think about.  Anyways, I have recently had this thought and feel like I finally understand this concept of "reincarnation". Don't know if its true but, I was watching this video by the school of thought "Who are you" There the video came to the conclusion that you are your values, your core thoughts that never change. Because we are not our bodies. We are not the brain tissues or the neural connections. We are functioning due to chemical reactions happening throughout our bodies which is the same thing that's going on in 7 Billion people. There...

 Oh boy!! This was just the movie that I had to watch. Thanks to the overlords, the amazon prime algorithm! Thanks to that SWE who wrote that algorithm, and thanks to entire production casts of that movie, and their parents and their parents and theirs parents and you know all that stuff. Essentially, thank you universe for producing that movie.  And also duck you universe for putting me in the situation where I had had to watch that movie and feel good. Lol the irony! 

So around 2-3 weeks ago, I was feeling really bad. A whole week. I was fucking shaking like a little baby freezing in the snow. Looking for someone to just wrap me in and take me home. I had an appointment scheduled with my therapist and she asked me what was wrong. After being completely raw and honest with her, I was asked if I felt suicidal and I said no. I wasn't. I was then told that she couldn't see me because she had a lot of appointments.  I felt really bad after that. I felt bad. Really really bad. She told me I could talk to some other dude next day who has walk ins or what not. I didn't want to repeat what I had just told her. I didn't want to relive that pain. I didn't go next.  But after that, I did however have thought about suicide. Not in the sense that I want to do it, but what if I did it. I don't feel it would have any consequences though. I know it would hurt a lot to my family members but that is it I thought. I don't think anybody else ...

It's around 1 am and I am watching these wedding videos. Love it! Man, am having too much fun watching these wedding videos. K love you bye!  Ok.. it's me again. Last one..  Ok its 3:32 am now but one last one haha  Ok... It's 7 am, I took a shower and did some work, I didn't really sleep. But, another one just popped up in my recommendation.. this one just touched my heart, soul and just scrambled it all together but in a good way.  I've always seen men being on their knees, but when she went down on her knees while putting the ring damn.. Imma start manifesting this kind of relationship.  Now, I think I've gone from watching wedding videos to purpose videos lol. 

 Human beings are not inherently selfish. We are made to be like that.  If an alien sees kids from lets say taliban then they might think violence is the natural way people behave  But, if they see lets say someone in an ashram, it's completely different.  It's crazy why I didn't think of this before. People in the west preach about individualism and how everyone should care about themselves and the society is fucked up basically. People are depressed here more than anywhere in the world. There is no respect, everyone just thinks about themselves and "fuck others" because all the people are like that.  But, that's completely different from way people in japan behave for example or even Nepal. I am sad to correct my previous line *used to. Now, the west has corrupted our beliefs. Societies are breaking apart. Even if a relative has good intentions and tries to help you people are like 'Yeah fuck you bitch! mind your own business" or whatever cool kids ...

 Ok, first of all why? Why hate other people for who they are attracted to? This doesn't make any fucking, fucking any, fucking sense at all.  There's no set rule which says you can only be attracted to this type of organism. Ok ok when I think of it now, maybe there is. It should be within the same species. At least? Lol ok wait, I didn't think about this when I was starting to write this blog. But what if a person is attracted to panda? Is that right? Well, I think so, but what if a person wants to be in relationship with panda. Is that right? I guess the only thing would be to know if the panda wants to be in a relationship with the person. Which is kinda difficult to know.  But a thought experiment. If we had a technology that could tell us what a panda was thinking, and the panda wanted to be in an intimate relationship with a human being. How would we react. I'll be honest, I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. But why? Well, one reason, its not normal and I...

 https://www.reddit.com/r/nextfuckinglevel/comments/qx5iv7/every_father_is_superhero/ Man, these types of video just inspire me to do the best I can. Like you know, taking care of myself, being in touch with myself, and just becoming a better human being. If I ever decide to get married or just adopt kids, I want to be there for them and you know give them the best childhood and do my best to make them love themselves, and show that world is a nice place. Maybe inspire them to do something good and be selfless.  I wonder if my father used to think about all these stuff. I bet he did, but you don't really talk about your feelings in our community. Man, I love my dad, even though we don't have the best relationship a father and son could have, I am very grateful for what he has done for us. When I used to be a stupid kid (I still am btw.. not kid but stupid) I remember telling my dad that he hasn't accomplished much in life. Haha man I feel so bad and I laugh at myself at the...

So, I have been listening to a lot of Bollywood songs lately. And man, the lyrics.. they are wayy too good. I don't believe in souls but you know.. those lyrics..they just touch right to your soul. It's a very calming experience.  The music, lyrics, the video, cinematography everything blends together so well. I honestly have never seen any videos like these form the west. Like, they can't compete with it. Atleast for me. You know everyone grows up differently, and there are different things that hit you right in your heart and Bollywood songs, they are the ones for me.  I noticed that I don't the lyricists of any of these songs that I listen to. Even the music producer. If I know anyone, it's the singer who sang it. In any fields, we only appreciate the person on the camera. But, there are so many moving parts to make it happen.  So, I don't know if it makes any difference, I am very big fans of all these people who worked hard to make this art come to life. Lo...

For the restless east , won't the sun rise again? For the lonely sky, won't the moon shine again? For the immovable coast, won't the waves come back again? For the dry rose, won't the rain fall back again?  Or should this be a hard truth I must accept  That you'll never be able to love this man again Must the red flower just bleed blood? Must the red heart cry non stop? You talk about the things that's changed,  But I notice the same coldness  when the world around us deranged, Just like you that Just like you hate me Can't you love me again?  Maybe the restless east shall never see the sun The stars will cry until they burn The damp coast shall stay dry And the red rose shall soon die.  Note: I wrote this few years ago. I think I was inspired by a song that went something like that.

Recently I have been typing a lot. I remember when I first got my laptop. We didn't have an internet so the only thing i would do there is type. I just loved writing nonsense on the microsoft word. My aim at that time was to increase my typing speed. I remember I couldn't type without looking at the keyboard and I though one day I'll be able to do that. I am able to do that now. Almost anyone can. But, I think the point is I am starting to type a lot again. I found this website called monkeyracer.com which as a great design and you can just type there. Typing random words calms me which is crazy. I have been getting up my speed higher too. The highest I reached was 105 wpm, and I was fucking sweating to get to that speed. It's crazy to think that there are people who type more than double that speed. Wtf guys! Stop moving your damn eyes and fingers so fast. It's funny because those fingers would have been of really good use (if you know what I mean) but I bet all of...

"Feeling to obey every impulse and gratify every desire is not happiness. It seems to me a strange kind of slavery" - https://youtu.be/iGLzWdT7vGc?t=1103

Whenever I read something fancy, or something that's hard for me to understand completely but kinda makes sense. Whenever I read something written by people who are smart smart its too much for me to take in. Good for them that they've thought of all these stuff but I can't. I am just going to not go to that space. It's too much to think about. Of course I do think about different stuff, but when I am no where near being what you call a "deep thinker". But, I am not "shallow thinker"?(is it a term) either.  I like and dislike thinking. I guess. One side of me says that yeah man, you've got to learn to think these "intellectual" things, but meh at the same time.. "do I have to? Why can't I just chill and do something else like ... watch a movie instead... or a youtube video".  Anyways, I feel like sometime people think too much. And there's nothing wrong with that except it takes away your sanity. The goal in life is no...

 There I said it.  I've been watching tiktok a bit recently. So, I came across this travel video. I liked it. And I came across another travel video. I liked that too. Now, my whole for you page is composed of traveling and being happy while the comment sections are filled with people getting sad wishing they could have the same life.  I think state of mind, or "being happy" is a state of mind. If you need to be doing "something" to reach there. Are you actually happy? Because that state of mind is directly dependent on you doing something. Be it travelling or painting or writing blogs (lol). I also pretty much struggle with this. Obviously, I feel like I could travel more. I honestly don't feel like I've had a "fun" life. It's quite boring actually.  But one thing is I've consistency remained happy thorough my life. I don't feel as sad as other people do. Of course, I have my moments, but everything calms down eventually. These mom...

 I was reading my blogs and noticed that I swear too much. It's like when a kid first hears a "bad word" and keeps repeating that. But, I will be changing the way I write. I initially started writing after reading the book "Catcher in the Rye". That was probably the book that I read completely from start to finish. For those of you who don't know me I am not a reader. Or I was not a reader. I didn't use to read a lot of books and still don't. I am slowly starting to listen to audio books and read books on kindle.  Honestly, having a kindle has helped me a little. I try to read few pages before I go to sleep. But, what I mean to say is I don't think my blogs have provided much value to anyone, and I should probably start writing more blogs that do provide value. Where you learn something. So I will try to do that now. I'll keep you updated. 

 I discovered that you don't really need to do something to have something to feel successful or feel like you've achieved something. We all have dreams and things that we want to do, we feel like we'll be happy once we do that or feel satisfied. But, we all know we won't. Why is it so hard for us to feel happy or satisfied with ourselves. Why do we feel like we need to do something. Like it can be anything from pursing our dreams (I have serious doubt even if they are real, feel like everything was just implanted upon us, but that's for some later time), or doing something, buying something and plenty of other stuff... you know what I mean.  It is very difficult for us to just be happy, and accept who we are or what we have done. I was feeling like I haven't done anything yet... yada yada. Should I be doing something.. does my work provide me my self respect, or value, or satisfaction? As much as I think it doesn't.. it is very hard for me to accept that.. ...

 Most of the people my age, wish they could be kids again. It's like people want to be young again because that's the only time they thought they were happy? Idk, maybe because I never really grew up lol, I don't see much of a difference expect now that I have to work. And... most of my friends are now adults.. or even better word "act like adults".  Once you grow up, there'll be things that kids can do, and other adults should do. It's all societal things. Like for eg, when a kid says the truth (even if it is mean) its cute but when I said something that was true I was being inconsiderate? Like wtf? It's as if we are forcing each other to "grow up" and then are miserable and everyone wants to be kids again. The whole thing doesn't make sense.  I wanted to go back to being kid so bad, but I realized how my childhood was so I would rather not lol. I mean it was good and all, but I couldn't do a lot of stuff which I can do now. If you k...

Yeah I used to be one of those people saying "Yeah! Fuck Society". I still say that time to time but I have changed my mind a little bit. Society is important. Love society. We wouldn't have survived if it wasn't for Society. So yeah society. Here's for the evolution that you helped happen.           (Source:  https://notablelife.com/media/2016/01/wine1.jpg) Oh sorry my bad. Not everyone drinks wine.  (Source: http://loniemae.blogspot.com/2011/04/milk-glass-mugs.html) I came to think of it any almost everyone hates each other. We all are a part of society. When someone says "Fuck Society!" they are also telling you "Fuck you!". I am pretty sure a lot of us feel like society is wrong and blah blah but not really. Not really. It's just you. Everything is about you and how you to choose to think. Society thinks that I am dumb. Yeah they are probably right. But it's ok being dumb sometimes. Society says that I shouldn't write dumb blogs...