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Last Night

 I discovered that you don't really need to do something to have something to feel successful or feel like you've achieved something. We all have dreams and things that we want to do, we feel like we'll be happy once we do that or feel satisfied. But, we all know we won't. Why is it so hard for us to feel happy or satisfied with ourselves. Why do we feel like we need to do something. Like it can be anything from pursing our dreams (I have serious doubt even if they are real, feel like everything was just implanted upon us, but that's for some later time), or doing something, buying something and plenty of other stuff... you know what I mean. 

It is very difficult for us to just be happy, and accept who we are or what we have done. I was feeling like I haven't done anything yet... yada yada. Should I be doing something.. does my work provide me my self respect, or value, or satisfaction? As much as I think it doesn't.. it is very hard for me to accept that.. 

That feeling of self love, satisfaction and peace. It is there within us. As much as I look into brain (again I don't know much).. but it's all about forming neural pathways and chemicals. And those pathways and chemicals, are not formed by doing X thing. It's all a lie. First, society makes you feel worthless, and then wants you to do something to regain that self love, or peace. 

Isn't that why we want all the stuff that we do. Like we don't really need anything. Millions of people have millions of dreams which might not even be their's. I myself don't really know what I want right now. Ok I want to be rich, have like a business .. but it is really what I want. Am I sure I was not just influenced by some movies or. youtube videos. But again, even if I was influenced does that make my dream less real? Because we innately don't have any dreams or purpose. We find it by getting information about the world. While it is true that some things influenced me but not everyone in the world wants to do what I want. So, there is some level of choice in us? I guess. But, that has to do with upbringing too, doesn't it. If you were born in a house of musician, you'd probably be a little more interested in music. 

The more I think about this, absolute free-will is not possible. But, we need to take time to understand ourselves. Be with our thoughts and actually decide what we want. And it's not necessary to decide too, like there's no need to feel bad if you haven't have anything decided yet. To go further, I don't think we really need to do anything. 

The nature wants us to keep reproducing? I guess. That's all there to it. I am so confused between this concept of soul in spirituality and general science. Some of the stuff they say sounds good and applicable in real life. I am pretty sure everyone before me (my ancestors) have probably thought and found answers to the questions that I am asking now. 

But coming back to self love, self worth, self acceptance. Don't overthink it. You really don't need to do anything or buy anything or achieve anything for all those things. Don't listen to other that you are not worth anything simply because you haven't done X, Y or Z. They are wrong, that's what they were told by their parents, and again their parents and so on. 

Love yourself. There's nothing not to love about you. Like people tie their self worth on things that they have achieved. So many students die because they failed their exams. Why? I mean its cool that you finally found out what happens after life, but I guess they committed suicide because they felt really bad? Ok. People existed before exams, people existed before we had all the stuff that we do now, people existed before we could travel and stuff. But I guess some people were still happy then. 

I think what I am trying to say here is just love yourself, and be at peace. I think the end goal for all of us is to be happy and at peace. So, why not just start now. Its a process and it'll take us a long time to get there. Like we know all these stuff, probably have read a bunch of books but you gotta make those neural networks on your brain permanent (I guess, please don't attack me neuroscientists).




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