So around 2-3 weeks ago, I was feeling really bad. A whole week. I was fucking shaking like a little baby freezing in the snow. Looking for someone to just wrap me in and take me home. I had an appointment scheduled with my therapist and she asked me what was wrong. After being completely raw and honest with her, I was asked if I felt suicidal and I said no. I wasn't. I was then told that she couldn't see me because she had a lot of appointments.
I felt really bad after that. I felt bad. Really really bad. She told me I could talk to some other dude next day who has walk ins or what not. I didn't want to repeat what I had just told her. I didn't want to relive that pain. I didn't go next.
But after that, I did however have thought about suicide. Not in the sense that I want to do it, but what if I did it. I don't feel it would have any consequences though. I know it would hurt a lot to my family members but that is it I thought. I don't think anybody else would be sad for a prolonged period of time and just miss me. But, why do I feel sad knowing this. I obviously don't want anyone else to feel bad, but thinking about it, people not feeling bad kinda makes me feel bad.
I was thinking of how it would feel to cut my hands. It's plain daylight, the birds are singing, the trees are waving outside the window, and this jazz music is playing in the background. I feel like dying takes a lot of courage. Although people think weak-minded people die, it's actually the strong ones. It takes a lot of courage to just leave everything and not care about anything. Props to all the people who were brave enough to just leave.
My left hand hurts as I am writing this. I find this very hard to articulate. I thought how it would feel like to be soaked in your own blood. Once you cut the vein, and you realize this is it. There is no going back. I wonder what thoughts would cross my mind. I wonder if I will feel at peace or would be crying like crazy. But as the blood starts to pour, I would want to relax in the bath tub, probably have some wine, and just hear the blood sprinkle out of my body. It would be really sticky I think, and you could probably smell iron. You know how you splash water when you're having fun.. I don't think the blood would really splash like that. Ideally, I would want to be completely drowned .. but sadly I don't think I have enough blood to make it that dramatic.
I feel like I have gotten so much better at just suppressing emotions that I don't know how I feel. I don’t think it’s that suppressing though. I pretty much write everything I feel. But idk nobody thus far has taken genuine interest in what I like or do or you know feel in general. Btw I completely forgot what I was feeling at the moment I decided to write this. I feel fine now. Like completely fine, but while I started I wasn't lol. I am wayy too tired to continue writing its 2 in the morning.
The next day... music lol
It's a new day now. I went to sleep after writing the last paragraph but I just wanted to continue this writing. I feel like these blogs are the only place where I feel to completely express myself without troubling anyone. I have tried expressing myself, but I don't think it turned out to be so good. Talking about things makes you look weak, crazy and I think at this point in life I am weak. But at the same time I am strong enough to just write them down. I feel like I would just be bothering people if I went around sharing my problems but writing stuff, it would be just for me. In maybe 20 years I can come back around to reading these things just to know different phases of life that I went through.
I have a headache right now, not feeling too well. I think day before yesterday was the day I had like a pretty bad dream kind of situation. Where I was not feeling good, had nightmare?(I guess you could call that). I had just watched this movie 2 night stand, where this one night stand turns into two night stand because of a hailstrom. After the first night, they kinda both hate each other and then they are forced to stay with one another and kinda like each other. Just showed how proper communication can change things. That's the one thing I took away from that movie I guess lmao because that's what I feel right now is missing. Anyways, in my dream had the same kinda room setup, and i don't know man, it was crazy. My whole body was hot, and my head was hurting, i could neither sleep or wake up. I woke up drank water turned the AC wayyy down, and tried to sleep. It was fucking crazy. I haven't experienced anything like that in like really really really long time.
Anyways, I am having trouble seeing the screen properly, I mean I can see it but still its too bright for me. I have taken some medicine because I need to work on my project and stuff but it's not fully working I would say. Anyways, that is it. I think I should just try the therapy thing once again. But, it's just too difficult. Like I open up, say all the stuff to one person and then they say oh you need to have suicidal thoughts otherwise you are not that important and that lead me to have suicidal thoughts lol. it's crazy.
But I don't have them anymore, it's just sometimes suicidal is seen as a bad thing. Sometimes, people are just fed up with the world and just want to end everything which is fucking great. If you are not going to take care of that person or you know make sure that there are people to support them you shouldn't be preaching about life is beautiful or some shit like that. At least let that person die in peace without shaming their choice. I would further advocate that there was a booth where people could go to if they just wanted to end their lives.
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