So, I messaged her on Instagram. Even at this point I was not sure what I wanted. I knew for a fact that I didn't want to burn bridges with her. She's an awesome person and there's no reason for me to just not see her as a friend. I didn't know what I wanted.
Again, as we are being honest, I thought we could start by being friends and I used to think maybe things can work out between us. It's just been 4 months that we are apart. There's no reason we can't work this out if both of us wanted to. Now the thing to emphasize here is "if both of us wanted to". But this process would've need to be very slow. Like basically we start from being friends and talk to each other, be really honest. Our expectations in the future, what we would do and all those stuff. We would find all of it out. It'd be like a board meeting lol
But anyways, while I was talking to her I found out that she was getting married. In June. But, now this is the funny part. I was happy for her but at the same time extremely sad. Somehow at that moment, I found my peace. It was like this beautiful end to the story. The closure I was seeking for. But at the same time, all my expectations and plans for the future suddenly came crumbling down. So, I listened to the song happier by ed right after that haha.
For months now, I was thinking maybe I should've put more effort, maybe it was me who was wrong. I was blaming everything on me. It was not my fault. At all. That made me happy. Now I don't know what influenced her into making that decision. I hope that the breakup had nothing to do with it. She is a smart girl I am pretty sure that she has put thoughts into it. Because I couldn't do that. Now, unless you have this capacity to move on really fast, you can't just decide to get married few months after a breakup. While I was trying to talk to her and was trying to tell her I wanted to make things work... she was planning to get married. So, that messed up with my head a little bit. Not in a bad way, but just feeling concerned that she was making this decision not due to family reasons but by her own.
But overall. I was super happy and a super sad. I was sad because I thought that we'd end up together , and happy that she has found someone she wants to spend her life with. Often, love is seen as possession. Love is supposed to make you feel good. If it hurts, then it's not love. It's something else. This news was like going home after a long week of travel. One one hand you're sad that the vacations are now over, but at the same time you are excited to go see your family. It was a bittersweet moment.
There's a part of me that wishes things would've turned out to be different, but the another one is happy to get to see one of my best friends getting married. It was not her I loved, like the physical form or the person but the qualities that made her. I am pretty sure I'll find those qualities in someone else too if I decide to spend my life with someone else.
But, now here comes the awesome part. I think this is the rise of the suit movement. I have always wanted to be like Barney. And this, right now is the fucking moment. I have just encountered a heart break, I write a blog and I am extremely self obsessed. But instead of a suit I will be wearing Kurtha's. I bet you were not expecting this lol.
I think I will also soon stop talking to her, because she seems like she doesn't really want to talk? Idk. And I think I understand. Ex and all that stuff. But, I am not her ex lol. It was a different person. I am different. The situations are different. The whole time is different. I wish we remain as friends. Like good friends. Hopefully things resort back to how they were like I could send her the poems I write or bitch about stuff or talk to her when I wanted to hear her sing and all those stuff haha. Oh how selfish am I. But hey, I've said I'll always be there for her. No matter what the fuck it is. Unless it's harming someone of course.
But that is it. My brother wanted me to write blogs and I was feeling very bad. Like I thought I would resolve all these feelings that I have for her. So, I tried to just meditate. A lot of thoughts started pouring down. It felt like there were these heavy grinders just crushing my heart and re-assembling them and crushing it again. It's honestly interesting that I feel these huge mass inside my heart. I wonder what it is. I am pretty sure a lot of us have experienced that. So, yeah I didn't work today. I just got up a few hours ago. Took a shower. I feel good.
But, at the same time I wish things were different. I wish I could talk to her and tell her, hey let's make this work or stuff like that. But, she seems like she really doesn't want to talk. I hope she is making this choice on her own. I can do nothing but wish her good luck.
But for other ladies. Here we come! (not really haha) but hell yeah! Barney Stinson! Zap Zap Zap!! Haha. Ok I just wanted to make you feel like I feel really good and none of this is affecting me because nothing effects the handsome and charming man who writes not that cute sonnets.
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