Let's talk

  Ok this is going to be very rough and might not be true. But I'll just write it down.  Do we often act out of roles that we are given? Like I am someone's friend, co-worker, son, brother etc.. every time we talk to someone, do I talk as the person (role) that's supposed to talk? Like does this come inherently, that as I an elder person should behave a certain way around those a little (let's say 3,4 years ) younger than me. Or I should talk to my co-workers a certain way and about certain things.  I think some of these might be a question of boundaries, and others ... are they what we are expected to do and we do that? Why do we do that though. Maybe identity is not the right word to express what I am trying to say. Like say, you are meeting someone for the first time, you both are acting as "strangers", and you talk a certain way compared to friends. I think that's normal .. and it's not always the case too, sometimes you connect with strangers in a...

Alright, I think I just found the true purpose of therapy for me. It is to help be re-establish the confidence in myself so I can start doing the stuff that I want to do.  I've found that the days I am mostly sad are the ones where I do nothing. These days, its because I sometimes I get sad thinking about relationship, and I want distraction and I procrastinate. Or, I don't trust myself to do something so I procrastinate. Either way, I just try to lean into distraction and not do the task at hand. Which is the key reason I get sad. Obviously, both the other reason is related to my sadness but I've found that despite of all those, at the end of the day if I am able to do the stuff that I intended to, I feel satisfied.  So, I think there are two approaches to handle this. First is to find out why I think that I can only feel a sense of satisfaction by doing stuff. Well, I think it's pretty clear. I believe that I am only worthy if I achieve something. A value I think has ...

If you know me, you know that I stand against this whole PC thing. About how you can say certain things, or how you should say certain thing. I think the culture of PC just promotes acting nice or saying things in a nice way, and I don't think it's a good solution.  I would rather have a person say whatever they feel than being PC and mumbo-jumbling a bunch of words. It just seems very fake to me. I understand that a lot of being like this thing but maybe I haven't understood this whole concept or maybe they haven't or just there are multiple realities and both of them are right. Yeah... maybe that's it.  Also, I hate this whole idea that you have to hate someone for a specific incident. Like how one act that a person did or said has made this person a really bad person. I had a recent realization that even though we say "oh be kind to others", I don't think most of us are (including me). Most of us are kind to a certain limit, up to when we don't ...

 The more I think about stuff, the confusing it gets, and the more I feel like I don't understand it. How do you know you understand something? Well, one could say you can explain something properly to the other person but aren't we all just listening to other people and explaining those things in terms of what we have faced so far and understood from that other person.  Also, again I think I touched upon it a little bit in previous blog I think but why is there a need to understand something. probably because it doesn't make us feel comfortable. I don't think we would really try to question or understand something if it was giving us immense joy or you know you were just fully happy or something like that. Because I didn't. And now I am questioning love and relationships and trust and coming back to human life itself. Wtf is purpose of living? I never found myself dwelling on this question in the past months when I was somewhat in cloud 9.  Don't get me wrong I...

 Writing is downloading contents of our own mind. Awsome!  I've wondered how thoughts come to us. Especially while writring because I literally have no idea what I am going to write until I do. It's like maybe there is something already written inside us and I am just accessing but how could that be. Wait I am making no sense right now, The fingers move, the mind thinks. But where the fuck are these thoughts coming from. I know brain. But, come on, and why am i questioning the thoughts, through another though, now I have to question the thought about thought. I know .. I sound like a 12 year old But please excuse me for a while. The answer is probably wayy to simple and I am just beating around the bush try to sound like I am thinking about something really interesting. But really, this bothers me sometimes.  Can there be a state where are are no thoughts while you are conscious? I don't think I remember any such moments. Why is there a need for thoughts? I am pretty sure...

 These days I was thinking, how I haven't found anyone to deeply connect with in a while, but I am glad I avoided people instead of just hanging out with them for the sake of having friends. I had this confusion if I should make more meaningless friends or just wait until I truly find someone I click with. I think I did the right thing by not wasting my time around people who I don't vibe with or I know that they don't have the best interest for me at the heart.  So often people complain about how they feel unwanted in their friend group but still choose to associate with the people. Yeah, let's not do that. Now, that I think of it, it was wayyy more productive and good for me to just learn new stuff and do programming projects instead of chasing that. As I reflect, that has given me more confidence and will be helping me in the long run than the meaningless parties and alcohol and weed.  Social media or movies makes us feel like the only way to have fun is by doing all...

Thanks to my ADHD I hadn't completed what I started writing in one of my blogs. I thought I was just rambling lol. Its crazy how writing lets you see for yourself the thoughts you were having. It's like leaving small pieces of "you" in the internet. My past self doesn't exist anywhere else but here, through these words. Me, in those exact seconds, exists in these words which is so fucking cool to think about.  Anyways, I have recently had this thought and feel like I finally understand this concept of "reincarnation". Don't know if its true but, I was watching this video by the school of thought "Who are you" There the video came to the conclusion that you are your values, your core thoughts that never change. Because we are not our bodies. We are not the brain tissues or the neural connections. We are functioning due to chemical reactions happening throughout our bodies which is the same thing that's going on in 7 Billion people. There...

So around 2-3 weeks ago, I was feeling really bad. A whole week. I was fucking shaking like a little baby freezing in the snow. Looking for someone to just wrap me in and take me home. I had an appointment scheduled with my therapist and she asked me what was wrong. After being completely raw and honest with her, I was asked if I felt suicidal and I said no. I wasn't. I was then told that she couldn't see me because she had a lot of appointments.  I felt really bad after that. I felt bad. Really really bad. She told me I could talk to some other dude next day who has walk ins or what not. I didn't want to repeat what I had just told her. I didn't want to relive that pain. I didn't go next.  But after that, I did however have thought about suicide. Not in the sense that I want to do it, but what if I did it. I don't feel it would have any consequences though. I know it would hurt a lot to my family members but that is it I thought. I don't think anybody else ...

 Human beings are not inherently selfish. We are made to be like that.  If an alien sees kids from lets say taliban then they might think violence is the natural way people behave  But, if they see lets say someone in an ashram, it's completely different.  It's crazy why I didn't think of this before. People in the west preach about individualism and how everyone should care about themselves and the society is fucked up basically. People are depressed here more than anywhere in the world. There is no respect, everyone just thinks about themselves and "fuck others" because all the people are like that.  But, that's completely different from way people in japan behave for example or even Nepal. I am sad to correct my previous line *used to. Now, the west has corrupted our beliefs. Societies are breaking apart. Even if a relative has good intentions and tries to help you people are like 'Yeah fuck you bitch! mind your own business" or whatever cool kids ...

 Ok, first of all why? Why hate other people for who they are attracted to? This doesn't make any fucking, fucking any, fucking sense at all.  There's no set rule which says you can only be attracted to this type of organism. Ok ok when I think of it now, maybe there is. It should be within the same species. At least? Lol ok wait, I didn't think about this when I was starting to write this blog. But what if a person is attracted to panda? Is that right? Well, I think so, but what if a person wants to be in relationship with panda. Is that right? I guess the only thing would be to know if the panda wants to be in a relationship with the person. Which is kinda difficult to know.  But a thought experiment. If we had a technology that could tell us what a panda was thinking, and the panda wanted to be in an intimate relationship with a human being. How would we react. I'll be honest, I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. But why? Well, one reason, its not normal and I...

So, I have been listening to a lot of Bollywood songs lately. And man, the lyrics.. they are wayy too good. I don't believe in souls but you know.. those lyrics..they just touch right to your soul. It's a very calming experience.  The music, lyrics, the video, cinematography everything blends together so well. I honestly have never seen any videos like these form the west. Like, they can't compete with it. Atleast for me. You know everyone grows up differently, and there are different things that hit you right in your heart and Bollywood songs, they are the ones for me.  I noticed that I don't the lyricists of any of these songs that I listen to. Even the music producer. If I know anyone, it's the singer who sang it. In any fields, we only appreciate the person on the camera. But, there are so many moving parts to make it happen.  So, I don't know if it makes any difference, I am very big fans of all these people who worked hard to make this art come to life. Lo...

Whenever I read something fancy, or something that's hard for me to understand completely but kinda makes sense. Whenever I read something written by people who are smart smart its too much for me to take in. Good for them that they've thought of all these stuff but I can't. I am just going to not go to that space. It's too much to think about. Of course I do think about different stuff, but when I am no where near being what you call a "deep thinker". But, I am not "shallow thinker"?(is it a term) either.  I like and dislike thinking. I guess. One side of me says that yeah man, you've got to learn to think these "intellectual" things, but meh at the same time.. "do I have to? Why can't I just chill and do something else like ... watch a movie instead... or a youtube video".  Anyways, I feel like sometime people think too much. And there's nothing wrong with that except it takes away your sanity. The goal in life is no...

 There I said it.  I've been watching tiktok a bit recently. So, I came across this travel video. I liked it. And I came across another travel video. I liked that too. Now, my whole for you page is composed of traveling and being happy while the comment sections are filled with people getting sad wishing they could have the same life.  I think state of mind, or "being happy" is a state of mind. If you need to be doing "something" to reach there. Are you actually happy? Because that state of mind is directly dependent on you doing something. Be it travelling or painting or writing blogs (lol). I also pretty much struggle with this. Obviously, I feel like I could travel more. I honestly don't feel like I've had a "fun" life. It's quite boring actually.  But one thing is I've consistency remained happy thorough my life. I don't feel as sad as other people do. Of course, I have my moments, but everything calms down eventually. These mom...

For the past two weeks, I haven't been really holding up to my promise of putting out a blog each Thursday. It's usually I have homework for maths due on Friday and I procrastinate until Thursday to do it. So, I usually end up doing my homework than writing a blog. Opssies. But, I thought why not write the blog today, so that it would not affect me even if I procrastinate. Although, not procrastinating is a better idea, here we are. So, what's up, wonderful creatures. Today, we are exploring our dark side. Together. I haven't actually thought about what I am going to write lol. I hope I can explore this dark side while I write. I feel like I am a normal kid. But that's even scary. Especially after watching Joker. What if I am like Joker. Trying to find good in all things and am trying to be a better person. But, what if  I change suddenly. Am I capable of killing someone? Shit no, that would... see that's scary. Damn. But when you think of it, what i...