Recently I have been typing a lot. I remember when I first got my laptop. We didn't have an internet so the only thing i would do there is type. I just loved writing nonsense on the microsoft word. My aim at that time was to increase my typing speed. I remember I couldn't type without looking at the keyboard and I though one day I'll be able to do that. I am able to do that now. Almost anyone can. But, I think the point is I am starting to type a lot again.
I found this website called monkeyracer.com which as a great design and you can just type there. Typing random words calms me which is crazy. I have been getting up my speed higher too. The highest I reached was 105 wpm, and I was fucking sweating to get to that speed. It's crazy to think that there are people who type more than double that speed. Wtf guys! Stop moving your damn eyes and fingers so fast. It's funny because those fingers would have been of really good use (if you know what I mean) but I bet all of them are single nerds. How do I know this? Well, you know this. Nobody in their right mind would do typeracer and monkeytype if they had a social life.
Coming to social life. I would like to think I am a social person but I have been isolating myself from a lot of people for few years now, I have no idea why I do this. I just have a few friends who I don't meet that often and just family. I think it's good but I can't help but feel that I need to you know have fucking 10 or 20 friends and you do fun stuff hang out in groups or what not. I guess it would be fun, but I don't think I have found my people. And I am not going to socialize for the sake of socializing. It's crazy I haven't really met that that many people whom I click with. And I am pretty sure there are others like me who feel the same. Too add to that I am really busy right now (or maybe that's my excuse) to do anything.
It's crazy to think about. Like I'm 24 now, I literally haven't been on any fucking date. Never really been to clubs, I went to these college parties once or twice but it's fucking loud and I don't really alcohol anymore. Last time I got drunk I danced on a pole pretending to be a stripper and did the nagin dance on the ground lol. Why? I don't understand. Is it to gain attention? Why am I seeking attention? I think I am a lowkey kinda person but alcohol gets me crazy. Wait! I take that back I am not lowkey, I used to be fucking loud. But people change right? Who is to say that the identities we had as a child is our real identity ? Idk man. This whole social life thing when I think about it is crazy. I think I had a lot of friends growing up, but I never really hung out with any of them after school. It's just the way it was, we weren't really allowed to go outside after school. You had to be reading or what not and that's the only thing I was allowed to do I guess. So, school was fun in a sense I got to be with my friends. I don't know what I am saying so excuse me, I just thought I would type the fucking soul out of me here. Like jot down every thoughts I am having and stuff like that.
I feel like I need a change in my life. Because it's getting (I wouldn't say bad) but I don't know lol. You tell me. I have fucking stopped going to the gym and this last month I ate nothing but fucking fast food. I had cut back on sugar and stuff like that for almost 2 months and I guess I relapsed. I wake up feeling tired and sometimes am productive and sometimes not. But, the main thing is I am feeling (not sad) but I don't know lol again!! I don't fucking know what I am feeling. I am happy with everything but like there 0 motivation to do basic stuff at the same time there's high motivation to do stuff. It's crazy.
I guess what I am looking for right now is to have a schedule. I have been fucking out of schedule since idk how many years. There needs to be a structure to life. I need to "design my future" and plan things out now. I am 24 lol. Anyways, also need to fix this me being in room by myself thing. I mean I enjoy this but I don't want to be in my 30s thinking all I did in 20s was stay in front of a fucking computer in my bedroom. Although again I don't mind. But again I think I might in the future . You know what I mean?
Like right now I think no external things can bring you joy and peace, and I need to be with myself and know myself meditate and shit. So, I am not unhappy that I am not getting drunk and partying and what not because I know that won't bring happiness. That path would just lead me down to reading books like "How to get sober", "Steps to being sober" and what not. I know fucking around with a bunch of girls will just make me feel empty inside. But, at the same time I feel like "I need to get experience" and what if I regret not doing these things later on in my life. You know when you are fucking 70 and your friends talk about their 20s and how much fun they had partying every Friday night and shit like that. I guess it wouldn't matter then. Maybe I am thinking this in a wrong way.
These things are not "troubling' me per say but I was thinking about this the other night. And the answer always comes down to its meaningless. [[[ music... But, why do think always have to be meaningful...]]]
Life in general is so something to think about. I want to be able to contribute to society in some way. I don't want to work all my life at a corporate job. I don't know maybe I want. But people are crazy. Its fun not interacting with any of them if possible. I am crazy myself too, I wouldn't want to interact with someone like me. I am pretty sure I sound like any other person the internet talking about life (Look I just did again!! ) Tf. Anyways. Let's just write stuff down.
What am I unhappy with? Myself. Not doing the things that I want to do. Which at the moment is waking up a little early, exercising and not just wasting shit ton of money on ordering food. How can I fix that. Lol the answer is simple but it's just hard lol. That reminds me, I want to be a celibate and practice Brahmacharya too. Idk, why but it sounds like the right thing to do. I feel like I am not good enough to be in someone's life right now. Don't think I will be providing much value. And idk I personally never really liked the idea of fucking around and dating someone for the sake of dating. I need to know what I feel for them is real and I see a future with other person and shit like that you know. So, for the time being I want to not have to think about any stuff.
Anyways adding to all of that I have been feeling like shit for the past few days. 2 days to be exact. I couldn't do anything like just doing mindless stuff to get my mind off of things. I feel fucking disgusting and hate myself. Which is a fairly new emotion. I've never hated myself to this degree in a long time. I feel alone and unlovable. I feel like I am overreacting to things and I should just chill. I feel so confused and fucking horrible. It's like few thoughts are playing on loop on the back of my mind. It's like you're losing a sense of control in your life. I have no control over any of the circumstances and although I can control the way I think about things, I don't want to.
Like like playing this game. I'm putting everything I have on a the color black, and now rolled the thing, but it's just that it keeps spinning. And the anxiety just keeps building up because I am not sure I can handle if the result comes out to be red. And it's like I can take my money and leave at any point. But, I don't want to. You know ?? Ok you might not but fuck this sucks. I wish I could just not feel things. I hate that I am acting like a fucking teenager, and using the word fuck a lot and complaining a lot but I don't know who else to tell. Writing in the blog is like, well it's here. I don't want to bore you with all these things I'm going through read if you care enough or else I don't really want to bother you. So, I feel this is a safe space. Whenever I am writing I feel that I can bitch about anything really. It's you who is reading. I didn't really force ... yk? Compared to talking to people?
Anyways that's it I myself have no fucking idea what I just wrote but yeah also, I've started to notice that I'm being fat and again I hate myself and feel insecure about it. That's a fucking new thing too. I never felt insecure about how I fucking looked. Wtf are all these things coming up to me... and all these feeling just lead to one thing that I am not good enough. Yeah it's true that I am not good and could be better but wtf am I being so hard on myself.
k bye. that's it.
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