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Thinking

 The more I think about stuff, the confusing it gets, and the more I feel like I don't understand it. How do you know you understand something? Well, one could say you can explain something properly to the other person but aren't we all just listening to other people and explaining those things in terms of what we have faced so far and understood from that other person. 

Also, again I think I touched upon it a little bit in previous blog I think but why is there a need to understand something. probably because it doesn't make us feel comfortable. I don't think we would really try to question or understand something if it was giving us immense joy or you know you were just fully happy or something like that. Because I didn't. And now I am questioning love and relationships and trust and coming back to human life itself. Wtf is purpose of living? I never found myself dwelling on this question in the past months when I was somewhat in cloud 9. 

Don't get me wrong I am happy now too, but in a different way. I think the happiness before stem from the fact I never thought about these things wayy to deeply and now it stems from the fact that I have accepted (or atleast tried am trying to accept ) that it doesn't matter? Again, we might get into the debate of what's real and what's not. Even I don't know about it so let's not get there. I want to make peace with being able to accept that I don't know anything and there's no objective point in knowing anything. But, why is this hard for me. I don't think it is. I just haven't tried to do it I guess. 

I probably will laugh at myself lol (Hi Handsome charming man) while reading these but man I don't know. I wasn't sad or anything like nihilistic. It's just I think I haven't been better in so long. I am on freaking cloud 9 too but it's just a different place. I am grateful for everything that I have and things seem to be going so well. Like previous me would've been so anxious and stuff but I am not. I have let it be and things seem to be working in my favor. Which is crazy! And again I thank godji for this. 

I just hope I get enough strength and guidance to understand myself and this I don't even know what I am looking answers for lol. I think starting with oneself is a good option and a safe one lol. I don't know the last time I put effort in understanding myself. But I can only pray for. that to happen. Just let it be.. is my new motto lol. 


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