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Hi.  I never thought I would listen to Taylor Swift to heal myself. It's ironic because I listen to it because of my ex, and am I listening to forget about her. All to well, doesn't even resemble anything we had but its soothing somehow. I guess, it's the thought of moving on, which is powerful about this song.  I now only need to get a cup of ice cream and cry, and I think I'll become one of those teenage girls that you see in the movies. I have realized that it's more difficult to move on if the other person was not too bad, you know? I can't even hate her, like Taylor. I can't even say it was bad, and stuff you know? Because it wasn't.  I don't know what to write man, but I want to. It's midnight and I just listened to paper rings which she used to dedicate me and now I am listening to all too well. When all is not too well. I remember it all too well too but you know, it was good. How can I hate good memories. Anyways, is this too cringy? lol...

 These days I was thinking, how I haven't found anyone to deeply connect with in a while, but I am glad I avoided people instead of just hanging out with them for the sake of having friends. I had this confusion if I should make more meaningless friends or just wait until I truly find someone I click with. I think I did the right thing by not wasting my time around people who I don't vibe with or I know that they don't have the best interest for me at the heart.  So often people complain about how they feel unwanted in their friend group but still choose to associate with the people. Yeah, let's not do that. Now, that I think of it, it was wayyy more productive and good for me to just learn new stuff and do programming projects instead of chasing that. As I reflect, that has given me more confidence and will be helping me in the long run than the meaningless parties and alcohol and weed.  Social media or movies makes us feel like the only way to have fun is by doing all...

Listen, I wanted to tell you something This time, I won't lie to you and say that I love you a lot See, love is not as easy as it appears on love letters But looking deep into your eyes, I'll admit that I keep thinking of a lot of ways to get closer to you But I don't want any promises of love I'd be happy if I could just kiss your rosy lips.  I would go anywhere you take me I'd listen to any voice that I knew were yours You don't need to love someone to have a good time  Please don't think about getting our hearts together I keep thinking of a lot of ways to get closer to you But, I don't want any promises of love I'd be happy if I could just kiss your rosy lips.  My heart is like the ever changing weather  Don't ask me  My heart doesn't stop around, it always fades away Looks like the way I feel is different from how you feel  Looks like my wishes will never reach yours I keep thinking of a lot of ways to get closer to you But, I don't ...

 Yeah as the title says, I've never really been an insecure person. But, few weeks ago I didn't attend an event because I thought I was too fucking fat and ugly. What? Where did that come from. As I am trying to work to get healthy, I am now having these thoughts.  I don't know man, it''s wild wild country. I guess everyone is insecure about some things to some level but I just realized that the reason why I didn't go was because I was insecure of my weight lol. And me, as I always say.. fuck what others say, but when it hurts, you really can't fuck em' I think.  It's just that's crazy. And you if are here reading this and saying to yourself that I am bitching ...fuck you! Fuck you 100 times honestly. I still don't care, but now it's hard to think about stuff. Is this what overthinking feels like? It sucks! Like there are so many things that I want to say but I can't really even say them in my own blogs because they are utterly stupid...

Thanks to my ADHD I hadn't completed what I started writing in one of my blogs. I thought I was just rambling lol. Its crazy how writing lets you see for yourself the thoughts you were having. It's like leaving small pieces of "you" in the internet. My past self doesn't exist anywhere else but here, through these words. Me, in those exact seconds, exists in these words which is so fucking cool to think about.  Anyways, I have recently had this thought and feel like I finally understand this concept of "reincarnation". Don't know if its true but, I was watching this video by the school of thought "Who are you" There the video came to the conclusion that you are your values, your core thoughts that never change. Because we are not our bodies. We are not the brain tissues or the neural connections. We are functioning due to chemical reactions happening throughout our bodies which is the same thing that's going on in 7 Billion people. There...

 Oh boy!! This was just the movie that I had to watch. Thanks to the overlords, the amazon prime algorithm! Thanks to that SWE who wrote that algorithm, and thanks to entire production casts of that movie, and their parents and their parents and theirs parents and you know all that stuff. Essentially, thank you universe for producing that movie.  And also duck you universe for putting me in the situation where I had had to watch that movie and feel good. Lol the irony! 

So around 2-3 weeks ago, I was feeling really bad. A whole week. I was fucking shaking like a little baby freezing in the snow. Looking for someone to just wrap me in and take me home. I had an appointment scheduled with my therapist and she asked me what was wrong. After being completely raw and honest with her, I was asked if I felt suicidal and I said no. I wasn't. I was then told that she couldn't see me because she had a lot of appointments.  I felt really bad after that. I felt bad. Really really bad. She told me I could talk to some other dude next day who has walk ins or what not. I didn't want to repeat what I had just told her. I didn't want to relive that pain. I didn't go next.  But after that, I did however have thought about suicide. Not in the sense that I want to do it, but what if I did it. I don't feel it would have any consequences though. I know it would hurt a lot to my family members but that is it I thought. I don't think anybody else ...

It's around 1 am and I am watching these wedding videos. Love it! Man, am having too much fun watching these wedding videos. K love you bye!  Ok.. it's me again. Last one..  Ok its 3:32 am now but one last one haha  Ok... It's 7 am, I took a shower and did some work, I didn't really sleep. But, another one just popped up in my recommendation.. this one just touched my heart, soul and just scrambled it all together but in a good way.  I've always seen men being on their knees, but when she went down on her knees while putting the ring damn.. Imma start manifesting this kind of relationship.  Now, I think I've gone from watching wedding videos to purpose videos lol. 

 Human beings are not inherently selfish. We are made to be like that.  If an alien sees kids from lets say taliban then they might think violence is the natural way people behave  But, if they see lets say someone in an ashram, it's completely different.  It's crazy why I didn't think of this before. People in the west preach about individualism and how everyone should care about themselves and the society is fucked up basically. People are depressed here more than anywhere in the world. There is no respect, everyone just thinks about themselves and "fuck others" because all the people are like that.  But, that's completely different from way people in japan behave for example or even Nepal. I am sad to correct my previous line *used to. Now, the west has corrupted our beliefs. Societies are breaking apart. Even if a relative has good intentions and tries to help you people are like 'Yeah fuck you bitch! mind your own business" or whatever cool kids ...

 Ok, first of all why? Why hate other people for who they are attracted to? This doesn't make any fucking, fucking any, fucking sense at all.  There's no set rule which says you can only be attracted to this type of organism. Ok ok when I think of it now, maybe there is. It should be within the same species. At least? Lol ok wait, I didn't think about this when I was starting to write this blog. But what if a person is attracted to panda? Is that right? Well, I think so, but what if a person wants to be in relationship with panda. Is that right? I guess the only thing would be to know if the panda wants to be in a relationship with the person. Which is kinda difficult to know.  But a thought experiment. If we had a technology that could tell us what a panda was thinking, and the panda wanted to be in an intimate relationship with a human being. How would we react. I'll be honest, I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. But why? Well, one reason, its not normal and I...

 https://www.reddit.com/r/nextfuckinglevel/comments/qx5iv7/every_father_is_superhero/ Man, these types of video just inspire me to do the best I can. Like you know, taking care of myself, being in touch with myself, and just becoming a better human being. If I ever decide to get married or just adopt kids, I want to be there for them and you know give them the best childhood and do my best to make them love themselves, and show that world is a nice place. Maybe inspire them to do something good and be selfless.  I wonder if my father used to think about all these stuff. I bet he did, but you don't really talk about your feelings in our community. Man, I love my dad, even though we don't have the best relationship a father and son could have, I am very grateful for what he has done for us. When I used to be a stupid kid (I still am btw.. not kid but stupid) I remember telling my dad that he hasn't accomplished much in life. Haha man I feel so bad and I laugh at myself at the...

So, I have been listening to a lot of Bollywood songs lately. And man, the lyrics.. they are wayy too good. I don't believe in souls but you know.. those lyrics..they just touch right to your soul. It's a very calming experience.  The music, lyrics, the video, cinematography everything blends together so well. I honestly have never seen any videos like these form the west. Like, they can't compete with it. Atleast for me. You know everyone grows up differently, and there are different things that hit you right in your heart and Bollywood songs, they are the ones for me.  I noticed that I don't the lyricists of any of these songs that I listen to. Even the music producer. If I know anyone, it's the singer who sang it. In any fields, we only appreciate the person on the camera. But, there are so many moving parts to make it happen.  So, I don't know if it makes any difference, I am very big fans of all these people who worked hard to make this art come to life. Lo...

For the restless east , won't the sun rise again? For the lonely sky, won't the moon shine again? For the immovable coast, won't the waves come back again? For the dry rose, won't the rain fall back again?  Or should this be a hard truth I must accept  That you'll never be able to love this man again Must the red flower just bleed blood? Must the red heart cry non stop? You talk about the things that's changed,  But I notice the same coldness  when the world around us deranged, Just like you that Just like you hate me Can't you love me again?  Maybe the restless east shall never see the sun The stars will cry until they burn The damp coast shall stay dry And the red rose shall soon die.  Note: I wrote this few years ago. I think I was inspired by a song that went something like that.

Recently I have been typing a lot. I remember when I first got my laptop. We didn't have an internet so the only thing i would do there is type. I just loved writing nonsense on the microsoft word. My aim at that time was to increase my typing speed. I remember I couldn't type without looking at the keyboard and I though one day I'll be able to do that. I am able to do that now. Almost anyone can. But, I think the point is I am starting to type a lot again. I found this website called monkeyracer.com which as a great design and you can just type there. Typing random words calms me which is crazy. I have been getting up my speed higher too. The highest I reached was 105 wpm, and I was fucking sweating to get to that speed. It's crazy to think that there are people who type more than double that speed. Wtf guys! Stop moving your damn eyes and fingers so fast. It's funny because those fingers would have been of really good use (if you know what I mean) but I bet all of...

"Feeling to obey every impulse and gratify every desire is not happiness. It seems to me a strange kind of slavery" - https://youtu.be/iGLzWdT7vGc?t=1103

Whenever I read something fancy, or something that's hard for me to understand completely but kinda makes sense. Whenever I read something written by people who are smart smart its too much for me to take in. Good for them that they've thought of all these stuff but I can't. I am just going to not go to that space. It's too much to think about. Of course I do think about different stuff, but when I am no where near being what you call a "deep thinker". But, I am not "shallow thinker"?(is it a term) either.  I like and dislike thinking. I guess. One side of me says that yeah man, you've got to learn to think these "intellectual" things, but meh at the same time.. "do I have to? Why can't I just chill and do something else like ... watch a movie instead... or a youtube video".  Anyways, I feel like sometime people think too much. And there's nothing wrong with that except it takes away your sanity. The goal in life is no...

 There I said it.  I've been watching tiktok a bit recently. So, I came across this travel video. I liked it. And I came across another travel video. I liked that too. Now, my whole for you page is composed of traveling and being happy while the comment sections are filled with people getting sad wishing they could have the same life.  I think state of mind, or "being happy" is a state of mind. If you need to be doing "something" to reach there. Are you actually happy? Because that state of mind is directly dependent on you doing something. Be it travelling or painting or writing blogs (lol). I also pretty much struggle with this. Obviously, I feel like I could travel more. I honestly don't feel like I've had a "fun" life. It's quite boring actually.  But one thing is I've consistency remained happy thorough my life. I don't feel as sad as other people do. Of course, I have my moments, but everything calms down eventually. These mom...

 I was reading my blogs and noticed that I swear too much. It's like when a kid first hears a "bad word" and keeps repeating that. But, I will be changing the way I write. I initially started writing after reading the book "Catcher in the Rye". That was probably the book that I read completely from start to finish. For those of you who don't know me I am not a reader. Or I was not a reader. I didn't use to read a lot of books and still don't. I am slowly starting to listen to audio books and read books on kindle.  Honestly, having a kindle has helped me a little. I try to read few pages before I go to sleep. But, what I mean to say is I don't think my blogs have provided much value to anyone, and I should probably start writing more blogs that do provide value. Where you learn something. So I will try to do that now. I'll keep you updated. 

 I discovered that you don't really need to do something to have something to feel successful or feel like you've achieved something. We all have dreams and things that we want to do, we feel like we'll be happy once we do that or feel satisfied. But, we all know we won't. Why is it so hard for us to feel happy or satisfied with ourselves. Why do we feel like we need to do something. Like it can be anything from pursing our dreams (I have serious doubt even if they are real, feel like everything was just implanted upon us, but that's for some later time), or doing something, buying something and plenty of other stuff... you know what I mean.  It is very difficult for us to just be happy, and accept who we are or what we have done. I was feeling like I haven't done anything yet... yada yada. Should I be doing something.. does my work provide me my self respect, or value, or satisfaction? As much as I think it doesn't.. it is very hard for me to accept that.. ...

 Most of the people my age, wish they could be kids again. It's like people want to be young again because that's the only time they thought they were happy? Idk, maybe because I never really grew up lol, I don't see much of a difference expect now that I have to work. And... most of my friends are now adults.. or even better word "act like adults".  Once you grow up, there'll be things that kids can do, and other adults should do. It's all societal things. Like for eg, when a kid says the truth (even if it is mean) its cute but when I said something that was true I was being inconsiderate? Like wtf? It's as if we are forcing each other to "grow up" and then are miserable and everyone wants to be kids again. The whole thing doesn't make sense.  I wanted to go back to being kid so bad, but I realized how my childhood was so I would rather not lol. I mean it was good and all, but I couldn't do a lot of stuff which I can do now. If you k...

Yeah I used to be one of those people saying "Yeah! Fuck Society". I still say that time to time but I have changed my mind a little bit. Society is important. Love society. We wouldn't have survived if it wasn't for Society. So yeah society. Here's for the evolution that you helped happen.           (Source:  https://notablelife.com/media/2016/01/wine1.jpg) Oh sorry my bad. Not everyone drinks wine.  (Source: http://loniemae.blogspot.com/2011/04/milk-glass-mugs.html) I came to think of it any almost everyone hates each other. We all are a part of society. When someone says "Fuck Society!" they are also telling you "Fuck you!". I am pretty sure a lot of us feel like society is wrong and blah blah but not really. Not really. It's just you. Everything is about you and how you to choose to think. Society thinks that I am dumb. Yeah they are probably right. But it's ok being dumb sometimes. Society says that I shouldn't write dumb blogs...

 So I was browsing reddit and saw these compilations of dads being badass like saving their kids and shit. And now I am thinking if I am ready to be a dad and if I want kids. And heck yeah I do. But, Idk man for the next 4,5 I'll train to be a dad. I saw one video where this dude fought with a wolf. If I want to be a dad I should be able to fight these wolves. So, unless I become a greek god, now I can't have kids. But also it's cute to be a dad. I think. Kids are cute. Love kids. Man, I should stop watching these videos. Or I should watch them even more idk. The point is the real metric to know whether or not you're ready to be a dad if you can fight a wolf. 

I am so good with titles tbh I love myself.   But man, there's something about startups that I freaking love. It's the raw enthusiasm and energy, unexpectedness, success, failure, struggles... All of it. I want to experience that too. And at the end fucking build something that provides value for millions of people. How fucking cool would that be? The answer is a lot.  Anyways, I guess I have to put it in writing now because I've told myself millions of times (don't try to calculate please..mathematically its possible. I might be lying but its possible. 765158400 seconds have passed since I was born. and being the genius I am I actually started telling myself about this since I was born. So, actually its more than a million).  And see this happens. What exactly happened in the 3 rd paragraph. I get distracted. I fucking get distracted. I really need to stick to something. Gotta resolve this ADHD. Or best, get tested for ADHD lol. Anyways, the point is I've been ...

We've come too far, we've lost where we began What we think was our's , is not here but left beneath The spark we see, is just for a while The song we dance, and the lips that smile We don't don't know what we are Yet, carried by the wise The world doesn't need him Who left his voice We speak our footsteps In the bblind side We write without knowing what's written Just to write Think you're happy, Statisfaction or compermise? I know we can, but why are you afraid to try You left that voice, now it's lost You used to cry and fight for a single kite But why are you backing up , when you know the kite now is life? Do you wish to stay like this Adding fear to the years you pass How should i find, the lost Years of smokeI will win The day i find that child

  There's this new song that's going viral on tiktok. It's not a song actually, but sound.  https://www.tiktok.com/music/wasted-potential-6843245816673585921?lang=en It's this sound. I've always thought myself highly and I underestimate myself too badly. It's the weird combination. I believe I can do and achieve whatever I set my mind to, but at the same time don't think I am capable of achieving anything great. To be honest, I feel like I am afraid of loosing this self-confidence that "I can do whatever I want to" if I actually try. So, I don't try at all. Well, I try, see some progress, but I think I can't possibly achieve what I am trying to achieve so I quit.  I've noticed that pattern for too long and it sucks. To be honest, I intentionally try to sabotage? I don't know man. Gotta see a therapist.  (Written few months ago. I'm just going through my drafts and publishing them) 

 THE WORD SORRY NEEDS TO BE REMOVED FROM THE DICTIONARY. THATS IT. THAT'S THE BLOG.

Holy molly! I graduated. 🥳 I just ordered chipotle. There you go time for celebration. Honestly, I have been ordering chipotle in all major occasions, so why not this time too?   Now, I need to prepare for the interview. But, I will watch a movie on Netflix first. Then enjoy my Chipotle and then study. I will need to sleep on time. I will finish today I promise, all the DS and algorithms that I need to know. Then, tomorrow we'll look into leetcode questions.  I think I first need to be confident on the DS and the algorithms. Even if I can't solve complex leetcode questions, I can at least show them that I know my DS baby!  Anyways, hoping for the best.  Until Next Time  - Handsome Charming Man. 

 How does it feel to be happy?  What is exactly that you feel? Is happiness nothingness?  What even is Joy?  I know I used to be happy.  But I can't even remember anything anymore.  Was i happy or was unaware of the realities or the possibilities? I honestly don't want to sound like a sage lecturing you on reality or spirituality.  But what's the point I've heard there needs to be no point but why? I am honestly scared of the world we live in right now What the fuck am I supposed to do?  Graduate, earn money, have family friends. For what? How can all the joy i used to find in small things just suddenly disappear.  Now I should live my life trying to find that joy and then again it'll disappear or something else will come up  What's the fucking point of all these? Earth or god or whoever the fuck it is is just a sick fuck. Or evolution is just a sick fuck.  Why did you wire our brains the way it did. Or is the society just wrong...

 Ok guys, as soon as you finish reading this sentence please close your eyes if you are a kid, or identify as one. I am about to say something really bad.  FUCK! There I said it. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK You can open your eyes now. Try not to read the lines above though. Wait, my bad lol. Now you can't read because I never told you to open your eyes.  ^* These are the types of jokes I have to resort to now? What the fuck? Where is my sense of humor. Anyways, my point still stands (Which is... you might ask) FUCK Thats the point. I've found the answer to everything or singularity or whatever the fuck it is. The answer if fuck. Try me.... ask me a question.  Let's start simple: What is 2*2?  Fuck that! Who cares. Yeah, that's the fucking answer. Why the fuck would you want to add two numbers. Don't fucking add anything. 4 will get sad once it knows that 4 was the answer because 2 was just fucking into 2. 2 didn't care about 4.  Also... 3+...

What do I want out of life. Let's try to answer this one. Right here, right now. I am not walking away unless I find something. Ok. What do I want? What would my ideal self be like.  The earliest memory that I have is me wanting to become an actor. I used to see actors sometimes as old people, young college kids, middle age people, and used to be very confused about their age. I wanted to be like them, always young? idk maybe have different experiences and not be tied to one thing. Now, I don't want to become an actor, I don't think I do. The closest thing to that would be becoming an YouTuber or Tiktoker. And acting is not the only reason why. I used to have fun making videos (I made maybe 5, or 6) but I had a lot of fun doing that. The whole process of coming up with stories, editing, filming and all those things were fun. I still want to be able to do that. But what do I make videos about? And why do I want to make videos? Maybe I want to feel loved? Idk, I haven't r...

 If this blog was a person, it would hate me so much lol. I always come here if I have something to rant about or just something which bothers me or something else lol. The blog would certainly be my therapist. Or... my therapist could read my blog to understand how I think because I write every single thing here. I mean  Not EveRY SiNgle . I have never written about the time when I shot this du .. oh wait...  If you are wondering where you are, you are in my blog. This is a safe place for me to rant about things. I don't know man. I am in love with supermarket flower song for a while. I've probably listened to it more than a billion times.  Now moving forward, let talk about (you guessed it) love. It seems to be a overarching theme of my blog. My blog should be letstalkloveandbitchaboutit.com It's actually available lol. I might take that domain before someone takes it. But, I don't think anyone will. No one thinks like me. I am the most uniquest unique individual w...