Feels heavy on the chest.

I haven't really been feeling great since yesterday. I couldn't really sleep that well. I was up until 2 studying, but then when I was about to sleep, the thoughts about motu (I'll just call her that, it's just so easier and feels better than referring her as my ex) came. I don't know what they are. I just feel very confused still. 

For fuck's sake that was almost 7 months ago now, and I should have moved on. I feel like I got myself too deep into the emotional game in this relationship. But is 7 months, too short to not grieve or feel this way? Like you don't see people asking someone who lost their loved ones to stop grieving in 7 months.  But I don't think it's 7 months, it around 2 months that I knew that she was getting married for real. That shocked me the most. Even after breakup I was thinking we could make this work , so the real breakup for me was when I found out she was getting married. So, well, 2 months.

In my mind, I've lost her. For my whole life. It feels like the person I knew was there before is no longer anymore. And this hurts. Fuck, I am crying while writing this. Why the fuck do I feel this way. I don't want to. I just want to completely move on. 

People say oh go date someone, but I just can't. I can't be with someone while I am still hurt, don't want to pass any kind of emotional baggage or anything. Also, it's kinda difficult to put yourself out there. As a guy, you're expected to initiate and I have 0 fucking energy and I'm not in the right emotional state to do any of that. 

These feelings just come in waves and disappear. I feel like ok yeah I've moved on and then something like yesterday night happens, where I almost kinda go crazy. There's this tension near my neck, my heart's heavy and my eyes are coated with tear drops. I wish I could just cry or shout my lungs out. I wish there was someone (not romantically) who would just understand me and tell me it's gonna be ok. 

I know it is, but it's just sad. And I feel sad for myself that I am going through this. Like ok sir, you've got to forget. But again, it's difficult. Hi, therapist dd, I'll probably send you this because I don't feel good at all. I'm so close to breaking up. I really don't want to feel these things, but I do. 

I don't even know what I am feeling, I obviously don't want her back but I am just upset about this whole tragedy. I thought we would be together and I just feel betrayed. Maybe I need more people around me. I just need to graduate as soon as I can and distract myself with stuff. I am doing that now too and it helps a little. 

Writing obviously helps so, there you go man, today march 22, 2022 9:31 pm, you were worried about all of these, and if you are reading in the future. I really hope you've made through whatever phase this was lol. I am laughing while my tears roll out my cheeks lol. Again! But it's ok. Man, virtual hug! things will get better. You'll learn to accept that motu is gone out of your life and you should be happy that she is happy out there somewhere. It's fine. We'll be fine. And so will she. It was nice that you got to know her all these years. You'll be fine. I know you will be! Now wipe those fucking tears and , oh wait haha tears do taste salty. Now, ok we are going to wipe these tears, go outside, pet Mr Benji and have a hot cup of water with lemon. 

Ok, that did help me, also I'm super grateful for everything else in my life. Very grateful for everyone I know. Also one of my friend recommended me this CBT journal , you can download in app store so I've been using that too, to just write stuff down. It's helpful. Check that out if you're going through anything else. 

It just sucks whatever is happening. This sucks. I wish people were not like this. What the fuck was wrong if we still spoke like normal. Maybe she'll realize that it was stupid to just cut things off. I feel sad that I lost my friend more than I lost my girlfriend. It's stupid, but I will honor the bro code. It'll be difficult for me to talk to her too. I don't know man, I can't. It just hurts too much. 

Like there are 2 sides of me, one very rational and I know and am aware of everything that I need to do and feel and sometimes I am in that state, but just sometimes, it's just emotions. I just feel very bad, and there's nothing to feel bad about. It's just we are not together anymore, but I guess, it's the feeling that I've lost someone really close that hurts more. 

Anyways, this was not meant for anyone to read, it was just for me. If you are here till the end, I am fine. Please don't feel concerned. I'd appreciate if you just kept me in your prayers and wished well. 

Anyways, that is it. Bye. Will go and have a hot cup of tea. 

Update: Just talked to one of my friend / brother for 2 hours. Cried a lot, and talked about stuff. I am very grateful to have had such friend and support too. Thank you Universe! Sachikai grateful for everyone in my life and everything I have / had. It's nice. I feel good. Glad this ended on a positive note. (hopefully it continues to be this way). I can't control emotions, I just want to make peace with them. 

- Until Next time

Handsome charming man