Shame

I was in a clubhouse room where they were talking about shame, and I think I can resonate with it. Shame stems not from anything that you did, but something internal. The way one speaker defined it was, you know you are capable of doing something, but you don't, you don't feel like you've enough strength to do it, or you know you'll fail eventually so why even try. You feel like you don't have what it takes to live the life you want. And that causes internal shame. I've felt that. 

Maybe there's lack of self-confidence, and self esteem issues underneath them. But, I don't feel like.. no actually I do.. But I can't explain it. It feels too complicated. On one hand, I am extremely self confident, I think there's so self and there's no tying any confidence into this abstract thing. So, I am not that 'not confident' but at the same time, I have started noticing self-esteem issues too, I think. And most of that comes from the break up so I can only assume that's natural for everyone. I don't want this to effect me in any way and that's actually what I am in therapy for. I hope I can get past this. I am fine, but I am worried that it effects me. And now that I think of it, the imaginary worry might have an actual impact so I should just stop thinking about it lol.  

Therapy has been helping a little. But I was thinking what's the end goal for me? Like is it to earn enough so I can retire? Or is to start something cool, and make videos and travel and stuff. But the most important question is why do I need to know the end. Why can't I just enjoy. Maybe, like the breakup effected me, I thought the end would be different, like we'd be together and have cute little babies and live life together. But that didn't come true. I feel like I wish I had known the end so I could have avoided all of these. But on the flip side, whatever time we had, the love that I experienced was cool too. Well.. to a certain extent. It was bad too. But I was happy to go through that too, I think. Not complaining, everyone has struggles. 

But now, with anything I find myself thinking what's the end goal here, in what I am doing. Like even talking to people, like why the fuck do we talk to each other? If you think about it, there's really no point. You can get all the information you need from the internet and all that stuff. Even if you wanted to find about someone's life, why would you want to know? Like that really doesn't do any good to you. 

And I am not saying I've become like that or think about it that way. Talking to others is fun and I enjoy that. But just dissecting the nature of things or the result of certain things, you find most of the things that we do now or we chase after are meaningless, in the end. I feel heavy, writing this. I also feel sad, I think. I miss my best friend. I am happy too, trust me, sometimes, when you are feeling down, you can't help but feel a certain way. I've never felt this sad in years to the point in which sometimes, I just find no joy in things. 

But this is not anybody's fault. I don't know why my mind or I am looking at the bad thing, or want to feel bad. We can choose our emotions, I believe and we do choose them to certain extent. I think we went a little off topic, but coming back to it, I feel ashamed of myself because I have not been able to live the life I know I can. 

Anyways, life is not so sad as it seems here. I am pretty happy too, like it's just I become sad sometimes. I think everyone becomes sad. So, it's normal. I just don't want anyone reading this to assume that I am like this in this very sad state. I am not. I am actually pretty happy with how things are going in life. I will finally be moving out in 6 weeks to Florida. Working remotely. I might go to Nepal if they let you be in Nepal while on the type of VISA I have and work from there for few months. We'll see what happens. 

- Until Next Time 

handsome charming man.