I love youtube and the engineers, mathematicians, recruiters generally when we look at large for the youtube algorithm. I was recommended one of the cover songs and things just went wild from there.
I was feeling sad and down the whole day (kinda). To be honest, I haven't been really able to work quite effectively the whole past week. We had a standup meeting today and I lied that the feature was almost done, in reality it's far from done. But that's one thing I like about the job I have. Not that I can lie about things but they don't pressure you to do certain things in certain time. I will get that done eventually, but you know, just in general things haven't been great. I am stupid, I just think about the whole relationship too often. It's like I am frozen up in the time. I am still trying to process that fact that someone who said they loved me is just over it and now is getting married with someone in the span of few weeks.
Anyways, I was recommended this cover of a song, and I closed my eyes, just listening to it. And all the happy emotions just started rushing in. It's been an hour that I have been listening to the songs recommended by youtube and all of them just keep making me feel nice. Most of them are romantic songs, but I kinda twisted it to make sense that the other person they are referring to in the lyrics is also me. And that made so much sense, like in the lyrics which goes like "if I get you, I will be complete", I was like yeah fuck yess!! I just need to find myself, and I will be complete.
I think with the end of any relationship a part of you just goes away with them. I love her and the part that craved for that love from her is now just stale and sad I think lol. Anyways, but things are getting better. I just need to be preparing for this Microsoft interview. I have decided to do 11 questions every day from this blind 75 list. I think I probably will fail, but a part of me says I can make it through. I just need to trust myself and just be open and honest.
Anyways, try just listening the romantic songs in the context that the other person is also you. That makes wayy too much sense and is also helpful if you can find that other self of yours.
I think things are moving in the right direction. I know I will be good someday and will find either myself or someone who does care. I am also excited to move to Florida in few weeks. I am planning to leave everything that I have and own behind. I'll probably just take the guitar that I have. Funny story, I bought the guitar so I could learn to play it with my ex. She plays it too, and I thought once we meet we would jam together lol. But, anyways, I will also start learning guitar.
It's just a matter of few weeks. I will have a general idea of where my life will be headed. I will either be working at the same company that I am working in or in Microsoft. Although I really hope it'd be the latter one.
I opened Instagram again. Just for the sake of it. I initially deactivated because just seeing the name of photos of motu would just hurt but turns it doesn't hurt that much now. So, that's progress. right?
Insight
I also realize I tend to just let go of things, and not really care. But sometimes it bothers me (but not for too long), it just that the other person senses it within that period when it's bothering me. With motu, I never talked to her about the problems I was having with finances and all other stuff surrounding to living alone and all that jazz. During that time I was also working non stop. Tired, exhausted and you know still having to study. It was tough. But I am glass that she was there but with me not sharing all those problems I guess that made her feel like I was hiding something. But for me in my mind, those were my problems and not really something that I needed to share with her at that moment. Because I would be able to solve them on my own, and those were like not something that would affect her. But I have realized that I was wrong. It's important to share everything that's going on with the significant other. Whether they can solve it, or just be there to support.
I think the main reason why I didn't share was because growing up if I had any problems my parents would just fucking keep asking about it, dig too much into it and tell me how it was my fault and all. So, I have realized I tend to not share those stuff with people and also not share my feelings, because they were most of the time not validated as i was kid and I just feel afraid if I share my side. The fear of those feelings not being recognized or understood is there.
Once I told her that I felt like she didn't really care about how I felt , and few weeks later we broke up, she said she was a bad girlfriend and I deserve someone better who was not like that and stuff. So, that also fucked me up a little. But I think it was my fault too, because I wasn't really transparent with everything that had been going on in my life. It was just about the finances, visa and living situation. Nothing else. For me, it was my problem, and not hers so I thought I should be able to solve this on my own. And sharing this with her would just be putting this unwanted burden on her. Guess I thought about it the wrong way at that time. Because I obviously would want to hear whatever she was going through and I would not feel like a burden or anything. It would make me happy that I could help her with it, whether it be just listening to her or talking some form of action. So, there's a tip for everyone who thought about it the way I did lol. Yeah fuck, share everything :)
Alright maybe that's too much details. But that was it. If you are reading this, do keep in me in your prayers and wish me all the best. I am getting there.
- Until Next Time
Handsome Charming Man.
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