Purpose.

Alright, I think I just found the true purpose of therapy for me. It is to help be re-establish the confidence in myself so I can start doing the stuff that I want to do. 

I've found that the days I am mostly sad are the ones where I do nothing. These days, its because I sometimes I get sad thinking about relationship, and I want distraction and I procrastinate. Or, I don't trust myself to do something so I procrastinate. Either way, I just try to lean into distraction and not do the task at hand. Which is the key reason I get sad. Obviously, both the other reason is related to my sadness but I've found that despite of all those, at the end of the day if I am able to do the stuff that I intended to, I feel satisfied. 

So, I think there are two approaches to handle this. First is to find out why I think that I can only feel a sense of satisfaction by doing stuff. Well, I think it's pretty clear. I believe that I am only worthy if I achieve something. A value I think has been instilled in most of our minds. You are only a good kid if you get good scores in the test kinda thing. So, I need to un-learn this thing, and I am reminding myself that almost everyday and to others too. 

Second, is - up until the day that I unlearn that thing, I need to find a way to get past that pain and feeling of not trusting myself, and try to do the task at hand. My therapist had given me this stop method. Basically, how it works is. Our thoughts determine our feeling and our feeling determine our action. And they go in a loop. So, our action can determine thoughts which in turn can determine how we fell and you know vice versa. 

So, whenever I am feel hurt or don't trust myself, I just need to stop what I am doing. Change my environment, and look into the people/ items / activities in my support circle and do those instead. If I am hurt, I should try talking to people, or just get out watch the night sky, or just wash my face with cold water and stuff like that. Just break that pattern and do something else for a while. It's not good to suppress  feeling so we are trying to change our action to change our thoughts which in turn lead to change our feeling. 

Barney Stinson was kinda right when he said "Whenever I feel sad, I stopped being sad and become awesome instead" and now you know how he did it. Barney went to a therapy session and learning about this support circle concept and the stop thing. Barney's support circle consists of wearing suits, hanging out with bros, making fun of couples, strippers, and one-night stands. Yours can be anything.

Anyways, having a purpose in therapy is what helps you. It gives you a direction in where you want to go, and I think that is where I want to go. Towards, me start trusting myself and going to do the stuff that I want to do. Is that considered a self-esteem issue? Maybe? I don't think I lack self-esteem. But maybe it's more towards studying and learning new things. I feel dumb in that. I don't really care in other aspects of life. However, I did start feeling that way regarding the way I look, talk , act and everything after the breakup. 

I think that is just natural though. I still feel that way sometimes, but I think that will pass. I hope it does.

- Until Next Time 

Handsome Charming Man.