Let's talk

Alright, I think I just found the true purpose of therapy for me. It is to help be re-establish the confidence in myself so I can start doing the stuff that I want to do.  I've found that the days I am mostly sad are the ones where I do nothing. These days, its because I sometimes I get sad thinking about relationship, and I want distraction and I procrastinate. Or, I don't trust myself to do something so I procrastinate. Either way, I just try to lean into distraction and not do the task at hand. Which is the key reason I get sad. Obviously, both the other reason is related to my sadness but I've found that despite of all those, at the end of the day if I am able to do the stuff that I intended to, I feel satisfied.  So, I think there are two approaches to handle this. First is to find out why I think that I can only feel a sense of satisfaction by doing stuff. Well, I think it's pretty clear. I believe that I am only worthy if I achieve something. A value I think has ...

I love youtube and the engineers, mathematicians, recruiters generally when we look at large for the youtube algorithm. I was recommended one of the cover songs and things just went wild from there.  I was feeling sad and down the whole day (kinda). To be honest, I haven't been really able to work quite effectively the whole past week. We had a standup meeting today and I lied that the feature was almost done, in reality it's far from done. But that's one thing I like about the job I have. Not that I can lie about things but they don't pressure you to do certain things in certain time. I will get that done eventually, but you know, just in general things haven't been great. I am stupid, I just think about the whole relationship too often. It's like I am frozen up in the time. I am still trying to process that fact that someone who said they loved me is just over it and now is getting married with someone in the span of few weeks.  Anyways, I was recommended this...

 I've said it before and I'll say it again. We are so fucking similar. Like I can't help but experience love for all of us. I think that feeling of love stems from the fact that we are all just here, trying to make sense of world, we have conflicts, we experience beautiful connections, we are insecure, we have issues, and we all here are just trying to go through all of this. Some of us have, some of us are in that phase, and some of us are getting out of it. Some of us have achieved what we wanted, and some are struggling for it.  Nevertheless, we are all the same. We want similar things (if we dissect things to the core).  I wish more people saw this beauty. There's nothing except that here. I wish people actually snapped out of this world they are in where one is a certain way , and the other is the certain way. I wish more of us grew out of our ego and insecurities, and shame too. Like honestly, there's nothing out there. I wish we stopped attaching meaning to t...

Ok first of all, again I am so grateful for everything man. I feel like I am exaggerating much but I've developed this sense of gratefulness, for everything that I have and everyone I know. Thank you godji and universe for everything that has happened so far.  Btw, I have decided to give away the car that I had to this lady I know. She works at a gas station, her son is in jail and she wanted to have my old car (which was broken and needed some fixing) and I gave it to her. We had a deal that she'd pay me some money but I have decided that I am just gonna give it away to her. She is pretty old, and I am comparatively young also I feel like I earn way more than I deserve. Now, don't think I am like a millionaire, or something but I am broke myself too. I'll update when you when my total balance is in the positive numbers lol. But still, I feel like she works hard and that amount would mean more to her than me, and I can always earn more. I don't have to do a lot of p...

I haven't really been feeling great since yesterday. I couldn't really sleep that well. I was up until 2 studying, but then when I was about to sleep, the thoughts about motu (I'll just call her that, it's just so easier and feels better than referring her as my ex) came. I don't know what they are. I just feel very confused still.  For fuck's sake that was almost 7 months ago now, and I should have moved on. I feel like I got myself too deep into the emotional game in this relationship. But is 7 months, too short to not grieve or feel this way? Like you don't see people asking someone who lost their loved ones to stop grieving in 7 months.  But I don't think it's 7 months, it around 2 months that I knew that she was getting married for real. That shocked me the most. Even after breakup I was thinking we could make this work , so the real breakup for me was when I found out she was getting married. So, well, 2 months. In my mind, I've lost her. F...

I was in a clubhouse room where they were talking about shame, and I think I can resonate with it. Shame stems not from anything that you did, but something internal. The way one speaker defined it was, you know you are capable of doing something, but you don't, you don't feel like you've enough strength to do it, or you know you'll fail eventually so why even try. You feel like you don't have what it takes to live the life you want. And that causes internal shame. I've felt that.  Maybe there's lack of self-confidence, and self esteem issues underneath them. But, I don't feel like.. no actually I do.. But I can't explain it. It feels too complicated. On one hand, I am extremely self confident, I think there's so self and there's no tying any confidence into this abstract thing. So, I am not that 'not confident' but at the same time, I have started noticing self-esteem issues too, I think. And most of that comes from the break up so I...

 Ok, this figure is driving me insane.  So, if I can get a job in the US, and stay in Nepal and work. I probably will be able to save 80% even with a very low estimate of earning 80K per year and saving 80% of it. If I work until the age of 65 and I invest the saved money, it'll  be worth $64 Million dollars by the age I die (assuming I die at 105 :P)? Like why the fuck haven't people done this? If you live in Nepal, you can easily survive in $16K a year. That's like more than enough, and you'll be able to pass $64 Million to your kids.  Ok, let's just try up until 45, so I don't just work until 65. You'll still be fucking worth $6M (by the age of 85) and this is just me working. Now imagine if you have additional $80K in income, and let's say you both work until 50. right. BOOM!  You're now fucking worth $27 Million. Is this a fucking cheat code? This doesn't feel real. I know that it's difficult to maybe get that income, but imagine somehow...

I've been a little active on clubhouse lately. I've heard a lot more people speak, the way they process things, their beliefs and the reaction they have to new ideas. I've also been in a lot of rooms, where basic etiquette is missing, it's a room filled with ego where one's objective is to be heard. I've been in rooms where everyone is respectful, think about ideas and are genuinely curious for what others have to say.  I'm being the observer here. But to people doing all these things, no matter if they are loud or they are calm. That was the right reaction at the moment. That has led to me think that whatever I am thinking, I feel is right to think at the moment, but my "observer" self, is just noticing that and saying it's not that serious or like maybe you're wrong like the others who feel that they are right but you can see through it.  That again led me to feel like there's nothing wrong or right. We can sit here and judge ideas al...

If you know me, you know that I stand against this whole PC thing. About how you can say certain things, or how you should say certain thing. I think the culture of PC just promotes acting nice or saying things in a nice way, and I don't think it's a good solution.  I would rather have a person say whatever they feel than being PC and mumbo-jumbling a bunch of words. It just seems very fake to me. I understand that a lot of being like this thing but maybe I haven't understood this whole concept or maybe they haven't or just there are multiple realities and both of them are right. Yeah... maybe that's it.  Also, I hate this whole idea that you have to hate someone for a specific incident. Like how one act that a person did or said has made this person a really bad person. I had a recent realization that even though we say "oh be kind to others", I don't think most of us are (including me). Most of us are kind to a certain limit, up to when we don't ...

As I am writing this I can hear thunderstorms in the background. I wish there was a space where I could just sit outside and watch the rain. I love rain, and although I admit I am a little terrified by big big thunderstorms, small thunders actually are so nice to watch. There's quite something about thunders, they are chaotic, but it's beautiful for once to see the whole sky glow. It's beautiful to see light somewhere in the midst of dark night. The noises are also for some reason terrifying and calm to listen at times.  I had quite a day today. I woke up at 9. For some reason, I always wake up at nine. And then was on bed until the meeting at 11. I did some work, and then had chick Fil A.  I have promised myself I will start cooking from tomorrow. It's almost a week that I have made that promise but will try to keep that up from tomorrow.  Anyways, then I was watching videos on youtube and came across this video by Joe Rogan with Sir Roger Penrose. He was talking a...

 Ok I had promised myself I would write a blog when I am also feeling good. Just trying fill this up with positivity.  So, I am having a warm cup of coffee listening to this song Abhi Kuch Dino Se  . This song is kinda like my happy song. It just fills my heart with joy. So, I am filled up with caffine and joy.  I am working on completing my project. I just started working on it few minutes after watching Ted Lasso. I have been watching this series since yesterday and have cried like a little baby because I love Ted. I wish I could be like him.  But, you know the weather is cold. Dew drops have filled up my window. A little bit of sunshine is coming through the open windows. I just went and pet mr walter (cat) a few minutes ago. I did my laundry. wait that just reminded me that I need to push them in the drier. But, it's good. I love the vibe that's going on.  Also, I have started using Clubhouse a little bit. Met some good people and re-connected with a fe...

  Ok, 121 wpm with 100% accuracy. I don't know how it happened but it did.  I am listening to this collection of old Hindi songs and love it. You know how you image a person when you listen to certain kind of songs. Yeah, that made me a little sad, but other than that. Love it. I'm really Vibing  with these old songs, and try to finish this code project that I had been putting off for a while.  I need to change some things about me fundamentally. Like not procrastinating, being better at writing, communication, and empathetic. So much of conflicts can be solved if only we were better at communicating our feelings or just stuff in general. There was recently a conflict in the team that I was working with , and as an outsider looking into the situation, it feels so stupid that it escalated to the point it did. I from my perspective can see the communication gap between the two teammates, but they can't. So, I was reflecting upon this and you know.. I feel like at certa...

So, I watched this movie called Sex Appeal.  Plot:  It's about this perfectionist girl Avery who is kind of a nerd. She has everything figured academically, and sees everything from the perspective of science. She has an early acceptance to MIT, is very smart and has all of life planned and figured out. She is in a long distance with this guy whom she met at STEM conference, and they decide to have sex on the next conference which is in a month.  Thoughts:  So, I won't go into the plot too much, it's kinda like writing a story lol, but she asks her childhood friend Larson to try and experiment things with her. So, this guy Larson (haha as I am writing this I know it's kinda stupid but please hold on...) has feelings for her. He kinda expressed it when they were 14. And basically she didn't have feelings for him that way so he got stuck in the friendz🥶ne.  But now this whole figuring out things about sex is kinda difficult for him, because he loves her and for h...

 Ok, if you've been reading the past few posts, I know I have complained a lot. See, the thing is it might sound like I complain a lot, but this blog is for me to rant when I am not feeling good. If you see the times of year I posted, you can clearly see I made no posts during the time I was in relationship with my ex. I was happy. There was no need for these blogs.  But, I'm back haha uninvited guests. I love this place. Man, I love blogger so much. And thank you google for making this free and again my nerd friends for making this. Love you beautiful human beings! Anyways I felt like I had been just flooding this place with just me feeling bad all the time. I feel quite good and productive today. I worked for 5 hours straight today. Which is something I am proud about. I know it's not lot but stuck with it. And as soon as I finish writing this blog, I will work for 4 hours more.  I am also eating healthy, I meant I ate healthy today lol. Which is again nice. The feeling...

Ok this quote just blew my mind  "You always think it's ungratefulness that makes people forget.. no its joy which makes people forget."  - Jagdish  (aka sadhguru but I don't like him calling that as he's not been my sadhguru yet.) If the other person is happy, and joyful and now has forgotten you, it's actually nice. It means that they are happy. The problem with which they came for you to solve has been solved.  "Nobody is obligated to be in your life. Years of commitment and love can go up in smoke because someone decided they were done with you" - u/DarkManX437 Also, loved this. I think we often think that things will be the same forever, and get into this illusion or wonderland. But, it is the truth. You don't own anyone, nobody is obligated to be in your life. You cannot force anyone to be with you.  Knowing self, and being with self is something that we don't really think about. I love that self-love is trendy these days. I had struggl...

 - List your five core values.  - Research on why they are false.  - Even if the core values are everyone should be kind or what not. Think against it.  - Keep doing for all the things that you believe in.  The goal is not to get rid of all of them, the exercise might even help you strength your beliefs but the goal is to understand why you think the way you think. The goal is to understand different perspectives and not live in a bubble of ideas.