Let's talk

 Yeah as the title says, I've never really been an insecure person. But, few weeks ago I didn't attend an event because I thought I was too fucking fat and ugly. What? Where did that come from. As I am trying to work to get healthy, I am now having these thoughts.  I don't know man, it''s wild wild country. I guess everyone is insecure about some things to some level but I just realized that the reason why I didn't go was because I was insecure of my weight lol. And me, as I always say.. fuck what others say, but when it hurts, you really can't fuck em' I think.  It's just that's crazy. And you if are here reading this and saying to yourself that I am bitching ...fuck you! Fuck you 100 times honestly. I still don't care, but now it's hard to think about stuff. Is this what overthinking feels like? It sucks! Like there are so many things that I want to say but I can't really even say them in my own blogs because they are utterly stupid...

Thanks to my ADHD I hadn't completed what I started writing in one of my blogs. I thought I was just rambling lol. Its crazy how writing lets you see for yourself the thoughts you were having. It's like leaving small pieces of "you" in the internet. My past self doesn't exist anywhere else but here, through these words. Me, in those exact seconds, exists in these words which is so fucking cool to think about.  Anyways, I have recently had this thought and feel like I finally understand this concept of "reincarnation". Don't know if its true but, I was watching this video by the school of thought "Who are you" There the video came to the conclusion that you are your values, your core thoughts that never change. Because we are not our bodies. We are not the brain tissues or the neural connections. We are functioning due to chemical reactions happening throughout our bodies which is the same thing that's going on in 7 Billion people. There...

 Oh boy!! This was just the movie that I had to watch. Thanks to the overlords, the amazon prime algorithm! Thanks to that SWE who wrote that algorithm, and thanks to entire production casts of that movie, and their parents and their parents and theirs parents and you know all that stuff. Essentially, thank you universe for producing that movie.  And also duck you universe for putting me in the situation where I had had to watch that movie and feel good. Lol the irony! 

So around 2-3 weeks ago, I was feeling really bad. A whole week. I was fucking shaking like a little baby freezing in the snow. Looking for someone to just wrap me in and take me home. I had an appointment scheduled with my therapist and she asked me what was wrong. After being completely raw and honest with her, I was asked if I felt suicidal and I said no. I wasn't. I was then told that she couldn't see me because she had a lot of appointments.  I felt really bad after that. I felt bad. Really really bad. She told me I could talk to some other dude next day who has walk ins or what not. I didn't want to repeat what I had just told her. I didn't want to relive that pain. I didn't go next.  But after that, I did however have thought about suicide. Not in the sense that I want to do it, but what if I did it. I don't feel it would have any consequences though. I know it would hurt a lot to my family members but that is it I thought. I don't think anybody else ...

It's around 1 am and I am watching these wedding videos. Love it! Man, am having too much fun watching these wedding videos. K love you bye!  Ok.. it's me again. Last one..  Ok its 3:32 am now but one last one haha  Ok... It's 7 am, I took a shower and did some work, I didn't really sleep. But, another one just popped up in my recommendation.. this one just touched my heart, soul and just scrambled it all together but in a good way.  I've always seen men being on their knees, but when she went down on her knees while putting the ring damn.. Imma start manifesting this kind of relationship.  Now, I think I've gone from watching wedding videos to purpose videos lol. 

 Human beings are not inherently selfish. We are made to be like that.  If an alien sees kids from lets say taliban then they might think violence is the natural way people behave  But, if they see lets say someone in an ashram, it's completely different.  It's crazy why I didn't think of this before. People in the west preach about individualism and how everyone should care about themselves and the society is fucked up basically. People are depressed here more than anywhere in the world. There is no respect, everyone just thinks about themselves and "fuck others" because all the people are like that.  But, that's completely different from way people in japan behave for example or even Nepal. I am sad to correct my previous line *used to. Now, the west has corrupted our beliefs. Societies are breaking apart. Even if a relative has good intentions and tries to help you people are like 'Yeah fuck you bitch! mind your own business" or whatever cool kids ...

 Ok, first of all why? Why hate other people for who they are attracted to? This doesn't make any fucking, fucking any, fucking sense at all.  There's no set rule which says you can only be attracted to this type of organism. Ok ok when I think of it now, maybe there is. It should be within the same species. At least? Lol ok wait, I didn't think about this when I was starting to write this blog. But what if a person is attracted to panda? Is that right? Well, I think so, but what if a person wants to be in relationship with panda. Is that right? I guess the only thing would be to know if the panda wants to be in a relationship with the person. Which is kinda difficult to know.  But a thought experiment. If we had a technology that could tell us what a panda was thinking, and the panda wanted to be in an intimate relationship with a human being. How would we react. I'll be honest, I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. But why? Well, one reason, its not normal and I...

 https://www.reddit.com/r/nextfuckinglevel/comments/qx5iv7/every_father_is_superhero/ Man, these types of video just inspire me to do the best I can. Like you know, taking care of myself, being in touch with myself, and just becoming a better human being. If I ever decide to get married or just adopt kids, I want to be there for them and you know give them the best childhood and do my best to make them love themselves, and show that world is a nice place. Maybe inspire them to do something good and be selfless.  I wonder if my father used to think about all these stuff. I bet he did, but you don't really talk about your feelings in our community. Man, I love my dad, even though we don't have the best relationship a father and son could have, I am very grateful for what he has done for us. When I used to be a stupid kid (I still am btw.. not kid but stupid) I remember telling my dad that he hasn't accomplished much in life. Haha man I feel so bad and I laugh at myself at the...

So, I have been listening to a lot of Bollywood songs lately. And man, the lyrics.. they are wayy too good. I don't believe in souls but you know.. those lyrics..they just touch right to your soul. It's a very calming experience.  The music, lyrics, the video, cinematography everything blends together so well. I honestly have never seen any videos like these form the west. Like, they can't compete with it. Atleast for me. You know everyone grows up differently, and there are different things that hit you right in your heart and Bollywood songs, they are the ones for me.  I noticed that I don't the lyricists of any of these songs that I listen to. Even the music producer. If I know anyone, it's the singer who sang it. In any fields, we only appreciate the person on the camera. But, there are so many moving parts to make it happen.  So, I don't know if it makes any difference, I am very big fans of all these people who worked hard to make this art come to life. Lo...

For the restless east , won't the sun rise again? For the lonely sky, won't the moon shine again? For the immovable coast, won't the waves come back again? For the dry rose, won't the rain fall back again?  Or should this be a hard truth I must accept  That you'll never be able to love this man again Must the red flower just bleed blood? Must the red heart cry non stop? You talk about the things that's changed,  But I notice the same coldness  when the world around us deranged, Just like you that Just like you hate me Can't you love me again?  Maybe the restless east shall never see the sun The stars will cry until they burn The damp coast shall stay dry And the red rose shall soon die.  Note: I wrote this few years ago. I think I was inspired by a song that went something like that.

Recently I have been typing a lot. I remember when I first got my laptop. We didn't have an internet so the only thing i would do there is type. I just loved writing nonsense on the microsoft word. My aim at that time was to increase my typing speed. I remember I couldn't type without looking at the keyboard and I though one day I'll be able to do that. I am able to do that now. Almost anyone can. But, I think the point is I am starting to type a lot again. I found this website called monkeyracer.com which as a great design and you can just type there. Typing random words calms me which is crazy. I have been getting up my speed higher too. The highest I reached was 105 wpm, and I was fucking sweating to get to that speed. It's crazy to think that there are people who type more than double that speed. Wtf guys! Stop moving your damn eyes and fingers so fast. It's funny because those fingers would have been of really good use (if you know what I mean) but I bet all of...