Being in a routine.

Mostly I have problems being in a routine.It helps sometimes, but for the most part it isn't that helpful. I guess. But having a structure is beneficial. It's just that most of the time I just don't act on it. Because I feel like I won't be sticking long term with this. And also I feel like there will eventually be stuff that will derail me off of this planned time, causing me to fail this. And that makes me , things are outside my control and if I fail, it will seem like my fault and I don't want to have that. No-one will believe if I say that it wasn't my fault. I am remembering how even though it wasn't my fault, i would kinda get blamed for it as a child and I felt helpless. Like no-one understood that.

So, it's better for me to just not stick to that and fail than to stick to it, and fail because of some external conditions. --> this doesn't make sense. 

But yk .. it kinda does. Is this why I have not been sticking to a task for so long. I do fear success, I don't want others to think that I am too "define your success metrics"/. I don't want them to feel bad about themselves, so I have also found myself just acting a certain way or dumber sometimes. Especially around highschool. Towards the start of highschool. And I still do today. 

I have been trying not to do that anymore. It's not that I am smart. I don't think I am smart, but it feels weird when someone tells me that I am , even though I 10000% am not. I am not fucking smart. I don't even know how to code properly or efficiently, compared to others. I legit have to gooogle shit ton. Now, I ask chatGPT which is cool. 

Anyways, yeah that is it. I am trying to escape this kind of thinking right now though. It's not about being smart or not. It's just being true to myself. If I am interested in something, if I want to excel at something, I must do it. I owe that to myself, right? Rather than just thinking about it. It would be actually nice to do it. 

that being said. I am going to go outside bring trashcan and clean my room lol. It's not that messy, just few stuff here and there, but I should control it before it gets out of hand. I used to live like in a very messy place during college, I see how being not clean can lead you to a certain mood, or feeling. So, its easy. Just clean up your space. go on walks, write / reflect. It's going to be great. 

Btw, I am great now, I was just watching a video and these thoughts came, and I started writing because I want to capture them and eventually feed it to ChatGPT someday so people can talk to me. 

What are we but a collection of thoughts, and if I can write all these significant thoughts, then that's me right there. 

That is it, life's pretty great. Can't complain. I bought a new camera r6 mark ii.. which is something I've been wanting to for a while. Also, a great lens to go with that. Cameras and lens are expensive, but fuck it! In life you have to say fuck it sometimes. 

Until next time, 

Handsome Charming man.