Love Letter?

I don’t know when or if I will be able to tell you that I love you. Well, love is a complicated word. But what good would it do. We are miles apart. Maybe we will meet, maybe not. But, still the idea of you not being with me scares me. (It doesn’t necessary scare me per-say, but I thought it sounded romantic. I certainly would feel sad. Maybe cry? Who knows?) But no matter what, I know you’d still be there for me. Supporting me. Helping me understand myself and be there when I need you. But it wouldn’t still be the same. Would it?

I have already made a mistake by not letting you know sooner. I didn’t realize I loved you until you loved someone else. I don’t regret it, but I wouldn’t exchange the thought of you being in my arms for anything else. I might for a million dollars?? Maybe?? But... that shouldn’t mean I don’t love you.

I think of us being together. Raising kids and growing old together. I’ve never felt like this for a long time. Why am I writing this? Writing helps me. I am trying to understand myself. Understand if what I feel for you is real. Understand our relationship. Understand if I would feel sad losing you. Again.

It’s complicated. I don’t understand what it is that I feel for you. Seeing you makes me happy. So, I keep scrolling your Instagram feed. Maybe my fingers could have reached you if they walked the distance I scrolled looking at you. Again Cheesy. But, they might. If they took the airplane. The amount I scrolled would definitely add up to the distance between the terminals at airports. It’s funny that I am trying to sound romantic, but I still don’t want to lie. Or for you to think I am obsessed. Because, clearly I am not. I don't think about you every single day. Sometimes, I even forget you exist. But, when I do think about falling in love, and who I care about. It's you. It has always been you.  

Why am I thinking so much? It’s so simple. I like you. Or love would be a better world. I am not sure. I’ll decide which word to use after I know how you feel. It will make things simpler. I guess.

We’re friends. Always have been. Sometimes I ask - is it bad for me to ask for more. If so, what’s more? I just wish I could see you every day. Or once a week is enough. Once a month would be good too. But we don’t always get what we want, do we? This is not a movie. I wish it was.

Life can get lonely. I wish I could hold your hands when I feel alone. Share things, that I haven’t before. Again!! why do romantic things always sound so stupid. I hate this. But I really do want to tell you how beautiful you look, and how beautiful you are. I admire you and I am glad to have known you for years. But if I told you these things.  That would mean I love you. And I don’t want you to know that. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t love you. Or I do. I am just complicating things. Excuse me.

I am not sure if I will meet you again. Maybe once a year. And I cannot ask you to come stay with me. But I can’t hold the thought of us not being together either. I am writing this so that I can send this to you. But I know I won’t. Why is it so hard to just let the person that we love know that we love them?

I don’t have expectations. Well, there certainly is a part of me that wants us to be together. Am I waiting for the perfect moment? Or for you to fall in love with me so that I don’t mess things up?

Maybe you are in love with me. Maybe you were in love with me. Or you’ve never thought me as someone more than a friend. Or worst, you were in love with me and now you hate me after reading all this. I hate thinking about this. But this has been in my mind for a while. Do you think about these things? Do you remember me as much as I do?

Sometimes, I feel like what I feel about you isn’t real. But, just the thought of you being with someone else, makes me feel that it is as real as it can be.

It’s complicated. (It’s the second time I’ve said this. I need to expand my vocabulary). But it really is complicated. Is it complicated for you too? Perhaps not. I hope it’s not. I wish I could just know these things. But I am not a wizard. I wish I was. I would just ask you these questions. Get answers and Obliviate!! But then again, why do I need answers. Because there’s just a small hope that you feel the same way and I don’t want to regret thinking “what if”. Maybe that’s all.

So, Saurav what was the whole point of writing this fucking essay, you say?

-        First of all, I thought it was a love letter. But I guess it’s no longer that anymore

-        Second. I don’t know.  I really don’t know. Maybe I just want to let you know about this, because I don’t want to wait to tell you before it’s too late. (Hey I just realized you to be  sounds like Youtube lol, moving on..) 

Note:

You know what the saddest part is? I don't have enough courage to let you know about this. For other people, this makes no sense. Maybe it doesn't make sense to you too.

But "Why is this handsome charming man writing such a long post when all he needs to do is talk to me?" You might think.

To be honest, I wish I could talk to you. But, this might confuse you even more. Because I am clearly confused after reading this. But, one thing that I am certain about is that we would be perfect together. But, that might be a lot for you to take in. Especially when its coming form a handsome charming man. lol. Bye!